What If . . .

What if, two little words that can change everything. For some, they bring excitement; what if we won the lottery, what if we got married, what if we painted the wall red.

For me, not so much. I would like to eradicate them from my brain. Those little words bring me much pain and heartache. What if we had stayed at the hospital until Jessika's tests were back, what if I had been in the room and saw what was happening. What if Jon had been open and honest with us in the beginning of her illness. What if I could have stayed with her 24/7.

I am better at hiding the pain now, but when those two little words start swirling in my brain the pain overwhelms me. At night, I lay in bed and watch to see the slow even breathing of sleep in Bill. Then, I can let go. The hot tears run down my cheeks leaving a salty trail for more tears to follow. My heart hurts with the pain, the loss. When I am exhausted, I flip my pillow to the dry side and try to sleep.

When I wake in the morning, I carry on the best I can and keep the pain buried. I have people depending on me, I have to be strong. But, when night falls, and sleep is yet to come, those two little words start swirling in my head and the tears fall again.

I think I'm losing my mind

Actually I think I already lost it!

I have good days, good weeks, but I also have tears, almost every day. Everything will be great and then a thought pops into my head and there I go.

I redid the living room because there are so many memories there, many not so good, lots of negative energy. I got a sofa, chair and a half, and ottoman from a lady here in town for $200, don't think they were ever sat on. Got frilly yellow curtains on the windows, new rug on the floor. Using the ottoman as a coffee table for now, picked up a couple of tables on eBay, and pulled a few things out of storage. Put my little antique kitchen table at one end of living room, new liqueur cabinet (old one literally fell apart), drug a hall table in, replaced TV stand. Saged everything.

When I was done I looked around at my work and realized, I had done it exactly like Jessika would have. She loved the Victorian style and that is what it looks like! I guess I had an invisible hand guiding me. The energy in there is good now. I have a lot of empty frames around, I want to put pictures of Jessika in them, but Bill is not ready yet.

We had Rase's 16th birthday party last night. It was a lot of fun. We had tons of cupcakes, I will post about them later along with recipes.

My wee ones are here for the weekend. Ry is sitting beside me saying the letters as I type and Ava is tapping her foot waiting on me to do her nails, so I will sign off for today.

Blessings

We lost more than Jessika

Last night I was laying in bed watching TV, Bill was in the living room. He hollered the kids are here. I yelled back, good I hope Jess is with them. Then I realized what I had said, and broke down, Bill got pretty watery too and reminded me Jess is with them. It took a while to stop the tears, but my heart is still heavy.

I was on FB earlier, and someone posted a link to a dance studio where Ava took lessons. I clicked on it to see if they had any pictures, they did.

It is hard enough that we lost Jess, but we have lost so much of the kids lives also. Lance usually tags me in pics so at least I get to see ones of the boys, but nothing on the little ones. We were not invited to Ava's grandparents day, and we knew nothing of all the performances I found out she was in. I am going to try and contact one of the mother's and see if they can let us know about events we might want to see. I spent close to an hour going through pictures and here I will share a couple of them. Yes, I am a very proud grandma, of all my babies.

Ava

 Rase with 2 players and Mike Matheny's wife @ a tournament in St. Louis They came in second!

Ava at cheer

Ava and fellow cheerleaders

Ava, front right

Rase at sweetheart dance

Stay Cool!

Is summer already half over?

Summer is flying by. We finally have a break in the >105 temps, still not much rain, only an occasional sprinkle.

The little ones are coming about every other weekend (finally), I have been working with them on swimming. The post below this one shows our progress. Ry had misplaced his trunks (again) and wanted to skinny dip, but I had him keep his undies on this time, lol. This is his first summer in the pool and he is amazing. Ava Beth has been a water rat from her first vacation to Edisto Island at the age of 2 months! She is dog paddling pretty good, and has learned to bounce off the bottom if she sinks. Ry swims with his face down, eyes open in a kind of frog kick. He wears me out, we have to remind him to stop and breath once in a while. Rase did the underwater recording for me, Ryder and Rowdy were at friends houses.

Right after I download this, Pete (the bloodhound) ate the camera. I ordered a new one and hope it is here before the boys go rafting so they can take it with them. I used a Flip video in a Flip underwater housing. It is reasonable (somewhere around $125). We used it a couple of years ago when snorkeling and it did great. It is digital, so everything downloads to your pc via the built in USB (hence the name flip as it flips out). The software is on the camera and downloads the first time you plug it into the pc.

Today is the 17th anniversary of Jessika and Lance (her first husband) wedding. I can not believe it has been that long. It was a HUGE wedding, and so beautiful (I will try and find a pic or two). She had 6 bridesmaids (6 groomsmen) 2 flower girls and a ring bearer. There were 2 receptions, one at the church right after the ceremony, and a big one at the golf course later in the evening. (The caterer for the dinner stopped counting at 500, so glad there was enough food). And of course lots of dancing.

Next week Rase will turn 16. I can't believe it, he should still be a little guy.

We finally started looking at stones. Not ready to buy yet, but looking. We want the final decision to be the older boys. We still have a little looking to do, but when they find it, we will see what we can do.

I think all these things have combined to make me blue. The tears still fall, almost daily. My heart hurts, I know this is never going away. The difference is, I can smile now, laugh, pass on those silly parts of Jessika I want her kids to know.

Since the guys are leaving the day after the party, I am making cupcakes instead of a big birthday cake. That way the guys can take some with them for eating on the road. So far I have decided on: red velvet, dk chocolate with mint filling, chocolate with cream filling, chocolate with chili pepper, key lime, coconut and plain old vanilla. That should keep me plenty busy, hoping to get them baked and frozen this week, then will just have to thaw, fill and frost next week for party. There are a couple more I am thinking about, but will wait and see how much time I have. Bill is going to smoke a couple of pork butts, and I will make baked beans, potato casserole, deviled eggs and pasta salad, those will all have to be done day of. Wish me luck.

So what do you have going on?

Kids Swimming

June

Well I have been MIA for a while as you may have noticed. June was a rough month, in many ways.

I have had some health issues. With no insurance I wont have a lot of tests done, so the doctors are having a bit of a problem figuring out exactly what is wrong. For now we are treating symptoms, so either it will get better on its own, or get bad enough the problem can be identified and fixed.

June was also a very emotional month. I miss Jessika more than ever. It just didn't seem right opening up the pool without her. I would lay on a raft, slipping back and forth between awake and that twighlight sleep we get before totaling zoning out. Something would pop in my mind, and without further thought I would tell Jessika. It finally dawned on me when she would never asnwer that she was not here. The tears would come then. I don't cry as often as I did, but at least once a day a memory will float through my mind and I will cry.

Last time my little ones were here, Rylan was so tired and having a grouchy time, then he started crying that he wanted his mommy. I think this has been harder on him than anyone and he is only 3. I held him and rocked him to sleep and tried not to let my tears drip on him.

Tears were the only water that fell here in June. We have also had many many hot days. Last weekend we were over 106 for a few days, still over 102. Next week it is supposed to be cooler, back down in the 90s. It did rain a smidge over an inch here Monday. The rain came too late for the corn crop though. The corn is pollenating, but there are no ears to pollinate. The beans are hurt from the drought, but the rain should help them some. It will be one rough winter with no income from the farm. I am praying we can salvage enough to pay back the costs of planting.

Several times last month the darkness creeped back in. With the help of Bill, good friends (Nat) and my grandbabies, I was able to keep the darkness to the edges and it didn't envelop me as it has in the past.

Bill is preparing to take the oldest two boys on a whitewater rafting trip in West Virginia with his brother and his oldest kids (have to be over 12 to go). I think it will be good for them. The trip was planned and paid for before we realized how bad the crops were. I am glad for that. I will spend my week sleeping and swimming!

Looks like some friends are here. Ryder is with us again and has a friend out also. I love a housefull, just so wish my baby was here to enjoy it with us. Life is never going to be the same again.

Have a happy and safe 4th.

A post with no title

Well, I am almost recovered from the weekend. Wow!!! Bill's brother, Troy and his wife, Michelle, along with their youngest son arrived last Wednesday for a visit. Troy came to help with wheat harvest, and the other two came to visit.

Ava Beth and Rylan came out Thursday and stayed until Monday. The boys were here also, well except they left Sunday morning to head to a Cardinals game.

Saturday night we had a birthday party for Ava Beth and Lucas (nephew). The kids also initiated the new pool liner. That pool was cold, really cold, I am pretty sure I saw chunks of ice floating in it, but kids don't seem to notice cold if a pool is involved.

Bill and I seem to be at each other throats lately. It is getting hard. We are at very different places in the grieving/healing process, what each of us wants/needs seems to interfere with what the other one wants/needs. Sigh . . .  Patience!!!

You know I colored my hair dark red in December while we were in Vegas. It was nice for a change, but D*A*R*K. It had also gotten long, so long Bill would roll over at night, lay on it, and pin me down. So, I called Sam, my magic scissored beautician and turned her loose on it. I now have a short 'do, and she brought the color back to almost my natural shade of strawberry blond. Hope it helps my mood. At least it is short enough I won't get pinned at night anymore (at least not by my hair - wink wink).

I got some new cook books. Did I mention I am a cookbook addict? I have a few from the first part of the 1900s. No, I don't cook that much, I used too, now I just read the cookbooks and dream. I have come across a couple of recipes for no bake cookies that I will try when the kids are here next. I suspect we aren't going to get that camping trip in until fall. Nineties plus in a tent just doesn't do it for me. So I will give them cookies instead.

We were talking about canoeing over the weekend, and it reminded me of a story, but I will save that for next time.

Stay cool

No Stories Today

Been a little down today, even had a few tears. Today is Ava Beth's 6th birthday, Been a month since I saw them, it is hard.

The good news is, their dad is letting me have them Thursday evening till Sunday. I hope he follows thru.

More good news. My sister-in-law will be here late tomorrow night. Actually, her husband, Bill's brother, is coming for a few days to help with wheat harvest. So Michelle is coming with him. Lucus, her youngest, who is just a little older than Rowdy, is coming also. We will have a joint birthday celebration for Lucus and Ava Beth Saturday night. (I need to get that cake done!)

Rowdy is excited to have his cousin here. The older boys will set up their tent for Rowdy and Lucus. Rowdy wants it close to the house so they can have electricity to watch movies lol. He is also planning on using the new popcorn machine (looks like a mini movie one) to make popcorn. They will also have hot dogs, pop, snow cones and probably cotton candy.  Can you tell Rowdy is my foodie?

The pool is almost full, full enough that Bill could make the connections. Of course, it will be a week or two before it is warm enough for me to get in. I am sure the kids will get in though. That is 1,500 gallons of cold well water, 60 degrees warm. Wonder if that is cold enough to keep the raccoons out? Hate to have the new liner shredded already.

Have a new housekeeper starting tomorrow, I hope. I have not been able to do ANYTHING since my fall, not like I can do anything anyway. This place is a mess, a pigsty, truthfully I am embarrassed to have a new housekeeper see it. Oh well.

Peace & Love

It reminded me of a story

So, I am reading Face Book and see where a friend has posted a picture of hogs being corralled from an overturned truck. Well it reminded me of a story, a little one.

We don't live too far off the highway, a lot of trucks travel this highway, a lot of trucks from south of us carrying veggies to market. So one Sunday, we are sitting on the porch and see a commotion on the highway. DH jumps into his pickup and heads over to see whats up (this is not unusual, there is a slight curve in the road that causes a lot of accidents, the police have asked Bill to help a time or two (or twenty or thirty) to get things cleaned up. The worst was the time that had him looking in the deep ditches for bodies.

I digress, as usual. So he comes up on a truck overturned with cabbage and broccoli spilled all over the place. The driver told Bill that insurance would pay the cost of the lost as these could not be sold since they had dumped. Bill asked what was wrong with them, he said nothing, they just can't be sold. So Bill offers to "clean up the mess".

He came home, got a grain truck, and headed back down to the highway. When he came home, not only was the pickup full of cabbage and broccoli, so was the whole bed of the grain truck. He started calling friends, neighbors and family members to come get some of our loot, while I started blanching and freezing a years generous supply of the vegs. I packed my deep freeze, Bills folk's deep freeze and had huge batches of the green cooking.

One night as we were eating broccoli, like we started doing for most meals, Bill made the comment, he wished a cattle truck would dump, steaks sounded pretty good, or if dairy it would be good to have cheese for the broccoli. Crack me up, next day a cattle truck overturned in the exact same spot as the veggie truck. Alas, they rounded up all the critters, we still had to buy our cheese and steaks.

Later

Operation OTP

Friday, being the coldest day of summer so far, we began Operation OTP, open the pool. Now as you may remember last fall was extremely hard on us, and both are missing large blocks of time. Apparently, the cover did not get put on the pool (I don't remember it being open, but of course I lived in Springfield from May - Oct). This lead to the pool being full of leaves, sour water, twigs, and who knows what else.

It is an above ground, and apparently the neighborhood raccoons are having pool parties. I am sure of this due to the large number of muddy paw prints on the deck, the beer cans strewn about, and the number of crawdaddies in the murky water. If they wouldn't drop their food in the water, I would almost put up with them. Of course, they need to learn how to use the freakin STEPS. This poor liner has been patched so many times that we were putting patches on the patches. This is due to the idiotic raccoons who fall in (too much beer) while washing their crawdads, or decide to take a dip to cool off, and try to climb over the side thereby shredding the liner.

So on Friday, Bill, Rase and Ryder spent the day draining the pool, then cutting the old liner out. Pretty much killed the day. So today, Rase, Ryder, Rowdy and their dad, Lance, came out to help Bill put the new liner in. After struggling with the hunk of vinyl for several hours, I am happy to report the new liner is in, sort of. They began filling it with water, and smoothing out wrinkles as they went. The water is somewhere around 5 or 6 inches deep, and they have turned it off for the evening. Lance, Rase and Rowdy went home. Ryder is  again crashing here (here stayed last night also), Rase will be back in the morning and they will continue filling and smoothing. Then the railing will go back on, pump and filter hooked up, and we sit and wait until the water is warm enough to swim. With my fibromyalgia, I can't handle the water until it is about 89 or higher.  I ordered me a new float, and the kids some new noodles and pool toys.  Let Summer Begin!!!!!

Yesterday, Bill and I headed to Evansville to do some shopping (not quite 2 hours away). Other than doctor appointments I haven't left the house since we got back from Vegas. First stop was Wally world, (a real super wal-mart, ours says super but it isn't, heck it is only open from 7:00 am till 9:00 pm, that should be the first clue). So I pick up some odds and ends, then head to groceries to get some things that aren't available here. Bill caught up with me and we checked out. Now I drive the little cart thingy in the store, Bill went to get the gringo (Durango, named by our then 3 yr old Ryder), and I slowly started pushing the cart out. Next thing I know I am sitting on the floor. Landed hard on my ass no less. With the help of 2 ladies I got up, and despite the encouragement from one of the ladies I did not need the manager, nor was I going to sue. Bill pulled up in the truck then so I made it out there. Thought I was ok, but a little while later I started to hurt.

I managed to make it through Sam's, again riding the cart, with Bill. We got the usual along with some liqueur, Kinky, a pretty pink, and 4 bottles of wine, maybe it was 6. Hmm, I got Skinny Girl white sangria (can't have red wine as it triggers migraines), a couple bottles of Moscato, some pink Moscato, and a couple bottles of white. And lets not forget the Stella, I think he had a case of it. Looked like we were going to party. We are. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law will be here Wed till Sunday. They are bringing their youngest, who is just a little older than Rowdy. Ava's birthday is Tue, and his is the following Monday, so we will also have a birthday party Saturday. (please send good energies, prayers, light candles, etc, that I get the little ones next weekend). Oh, almost forgot, I also got a quart jar of cherries canned in Moonshine. Don't know what I will do with them, but hey it is Cherries in MOON SHINE!!! Couldn't pass them up!

We got in early evening and my fun (not) began. I hurt like bloody hell from the fall. It made me nauseous from the pain, so I sat in the truck while Bill ran the rest of his errands and shopped. Anyway, I didn't eat all day, then ate a burger on the way home. Should not have done that. The belly cramps and spasms started, BAD, I took 3 vicoden, 4 Advil pm, 1 visteral, and 20 mg of Baclofen (heavy duty muscle relaxant) over the course of the night. I still got no relief (maybe I should have tried the cherries) and it was after 4:00 this morning before I fell asleep, only to get up again at 7:30 this morning. Spasms are not as intense, but I would still rate them 6 on a scale of 1 - 10. If I would have had insurance I would have gone to the ER. I usually keep Donnetal (belladonna & phenobarbital) for when I have a spell, but it has been long enough I hadn't gotten it refilled. I will be calling the dr tomorrow to get it refilled and hopefully get some relief. I have got to do a major number on the house before Wednesday.

Well kids, that's it for today, I have to see if I have any vicoden left cause spasms are getting worse, I am trying to stay on top of them now. Need to check and see if any more bruises or scrapes have shown up (I look dirty there are so many lol). Did I mention I love my ex-son-in-law? I do, he is great. I wish I could have that kind of relationship with Jon, it would be so much nicer for all of us. I am reading this over and I realize, Raccoons have it out for me. Wonder if they keep in touch with cell or land lines?

Till next time.

Blessings

Funny Farm Phone

I was perusing through Amazon looking for a gift(s) for Ava Beth who will be 6 on the fifth. Had she arrived less than an hour later she would have been born on 6-6-6, her brothers claim if you considered Eastern time, she was, which explains her personality.

I digress. So Amazon makes some movie recommendations for me. The movie Funny Farm was suggested. And, that reminded me of a story . . .

Several years ago I owned and operated from my home a temporary agency. It was ok, but the big boys were moving in. I was offered, and taken over by one of them. I was made an area manager, given a big salary (for the time) and was to set up my own office.

The day came that the office was ready to go, and all I needed was the phone to be hooked up. I was beginning to wonder if they were ever going to make it and my boss was waiting on my call. The guy finally came, hooked me up and took off. I picked up the phone, dialed my boss's number and heard; Please deposit .25 cents for your call to be connected. WTF! I hung up and tried again, and a third time, same message every time. Ok, I will just call the operator and have her connect me. So I give the operator the number and she says, please deposit .25 cents and I will connect your call. OMG I explained that this was an office phone, she said you will have to deposit .25 or I can't connect your call. Hmm, ok, where do you want me to deposit the money? In the coin slots. There are no freakin coin slots, it isn't a payphone it is an office phone!!!!! I guess I sounded desperate because she finally connected me with a department that could help me, and yep, they had the number listed as a payphone. They had to switch stuff there, and a repairman had to come back out to get me hooked up correctly.

After I hung up from the phone company, I realized how funny the whole situation was. I left early to go home so I could call my boss. She didn't believe me because it was too bizarre. So she came down the next day when the phone guy was supposed to be there to check up on me (she was a bitch, I only lasted about 6 months), the repairman fixed the set up and explained it all to the boss.

I can't see the movie Funny Farm without remembering that.

Blessings

Oh rats!

So, I see this picture on Face Book and it reminds me of a story . . . .

When we first moved into this house (it was Bill's great-grandparents and built in under a month January of 1930) the previous tenants, not sure how to put this, cleaning impaired. I was 9 months pregnant with Jessika, and it was February, not a real warm month.

Within a couple hours of settling in, Bill saw a rat. No, not a bad person, a real honest to goodness furry flea bitten rat! And that was the beginning, it was WAR!

I was still in high school when we married. Since I had some difficulty with the pregnancy, I was put on home rest and the school sent out tutors twice a week so I wouldn't be behind. Bill and also gotten me a toy poodle to keep me company, his name was Tinker (but that is a whole nother story). So my tutor comes, a very nice proper lady. We are in my lesson when Tinker went nuts and came tearing through the house chasing a rat. I opened the back door, they ran out, I grabbed a broom a followed them, leaving the tutor wide eyed and dropped jawed at the table. So after a lap around the yard (remember I am 9 months preggers), the rat ran under the trash barrels. I picked up Tink and looked for bites, he was fine, so I went back in and finished my lesson. Neither the tutor or I said anything about the chase.

Jessika came along. We were worried about the rats. Bill had put poison out, but we didn't want to take chances, so Jess slept in our room. One evening I was in the laundry room, I felt something soft under my foot, I assumed it was on of the stuffed animals Jessika had gotten (that Tink claimed as his own). I bent over to grab it while turning on the light. You guessed it, not a stuffed animal. I think the scream and my jump onto the dryer took about a sec. Bill heard and came in and took the dead rat out, we think he had gotten into the poison.

We were making a dent, but could still hear one digging under the floor of the kitchen. One night the digging started up and Bill was MAD. He got up and I went back to sleep. A short while later I realized Bill was not in bed. So I got up and headed into the kitchen. There was Bill. My white fuzzy robe, his work boots, a smoke on one side of his mouth and a shot gun and flashlight in his hands, just waiten on the rat to poke his head up. After a few minutes I was able to get him back to bed, I can't imagine the damage my kitchen would have incurred if that shotgun had gone off.

So, when I saw that picture it reminded me so much of that night. I miss those fun wild days and nights. The rats however can stay gone!!!

Blessings

Camping Tales and a Broken Heart.

Well first I want to thank all the service men and women. Our experience at Christmas showed us what truly wonderful these guys are. My brother was a Marine, and served during Desert Storm. I am happy he is retired from the military and lives only a few hours from me. My heart goes out to all the parents who can't share this holiday with their children, and never will again. I have an idea how they feel.

Originally we planned to be camping this weekend. When we saw the weather reports for this weekend we decided to wait. I do not like to be miserable in a tent with no way to cool off.

The boys came out Friday afternoon. We were expecting the kids Friday evening. Their dad sent me a text saying his folks wanted them that night and he would bring them out Sat. morning. Then it was they wanted to go to a friends birthday party so he would bring them out Sat. evening, then is was they want to stay all night with the friend, he would bring them Sunday morning.  After I sent several texts, he got back with me Sun afternoon that they wanted to stay with him, he would bring them out Mon. so this morning I get a text, the kids don't want to come out so he is keeping them home. Right. Whatever. I pray no one else has to go through what we do just to see our grand kids. The only time they see their siblings is when they are here. Very sad.

We are in desperate need of rain, have missed all the systems that have gone through. The corn is firing which is something we normally don't see until August, not good. The wheat is ready and harvest will start tomorrow. It is a little scary cutting wheat when it is this dry, one spark and the whole field can go up in flames. Seen it happen a couple of times now with neighbors.

Had a great visit, as usual, with my boys. They set up a little pool for the  lil kids. The lil ones didn't get to use it but these three nuts did. The water temperature was a balmy 62 so they tortured each other pushing them in or splashing each other. We are in the process of draining our pool so we can put a new  liner in. The raccoons have had a little too  much fun in the pool, don't know if they fall in washing their food or if they just like to swim. If they are gonna do it, the least they can do is use the steps to get out. When they try to climb over the side they slash the liner. After patching it for the last several years it is time to replace it.

Speaking of raccoons. About 6 years ago, we took a family trip to South Carolina. Jessika, her husband, his son, our 3 grandsons and baby Ava. Charleston was first up and we spent 4 days there. Then we headed down to Edisto. The town is an "island", and there is a state park there, We had reserved 2 spots months in advance. Our spot was just the other side of the dune and we fell asleep to the sound of waves every night.

Our first night after setting up I got up to use the portapotty. We were surrounded by trees and brush so it was a very private site and due to the heat we left all of the windows down. So I am sitting there, minding my business and I feel someone staring at me. Yikes. I slowly turned my head around to the side of the tent which was all screen, and standing there on their hind legs watching me were 4 raccoons! Ok, heart you can slow down now. We got up the next morning and headed to get groceries so we could eat the next few days. We came back (it just outside the park) and started unpacking when I looked up, there was one of those little fences around our site, like a snow fence. There were rows of the little bandits watching us put our groceries away. I swear there was one there with a pad and pen taking notes! We spent the day on the beach, and at bedtime we all just crashed. When we got up the next morning we saw the raiders had been busy, bread, cookies, chips, and fruit and veggies from the cooler! They opened the cooler! After that we stacked things on the cooler so they couldn't get in. It was annoying, but funny too. Bill went to replace our goodies. We then stored the food in the back of the van where they couldn't get to it. A couple days before we were to leave, we all went crabbing. We got a crab trap and some food for bait and headed to an area where the ocean met fresh water, along the marshes. Rase and I spotted a shark in the water just off the dock when we first got there. He soon disappeared and the crabbing began. There were hundreds of little "tree/hermit" crabs running everywhere. The boys caught some and wanted to keep them. I said one, you can keep one, but whatever you do don't let it loose in the van. We headed back to camp to cook all the blue crabs we had, stopped and got some shrimp fresh off the boat also. Supper was heavenly. Even if we did have an audience. There had to have been well over a dozen raccoons standing around watching us. We took pity on them and gave them our scraps (like they weren't gonna go thru the trash to get them). When we had first gotten back to camp the boys stayed in the van. Now, it was 105, who  knows how hot with the heat index, but way to hot for them to be sitting in that van. I hollered for them to come on, they got out and all 3 of them were hanging their heads. Oh boy. So, I said what? They kind of stuttered around and finally the middle one says, you know how you told us not to lose the crab? Well, we lost it. For days we searched for that little crab, never did find it. I am guessing it jumped out at some point.

Ok, enough stories. It was a fun trip. I would love to do it again someday, without the heat. Thank you for reading along, this has lightened my mood quite a bit.

Blessings

Where is June

May is awful, too many bad memories here. I need June to move on.

We had all the kids last weekend, it was fun, it was sad, there was a lot of love, hugs and a few tears.

Saturday started off with a large bouquet of flowers delivered from all of the grandkids. Beautiful. The weather was great so we spent most of the day outside. Lots of work to do on the yard and many new trees to plant. The boys even broke the frisbee out to play. Later in the evening two of our friends and their girls came out to deliver another bouquet of flowers for me.

Sunday, the kids and I took a bouquet of flowers out to their Mom. This is where the tears started. As soon as we got there Rylan jumped out of the truck and started looking around. I was not aware neither he nor Ava Beth hadn't been there yet.

Slowly, with his head hanging in dissapointment, Rylan came up and said, "Bubbah, I can't see Heaven." Rase looked for tissues for me while I explained that we can't see Heaven until we get there. He seemed to accept that, so we took the flowers over and did a little housekeeping. We took a few pictures, and got ready to leave. Rylan started crying and yelling, "I don't want Mommy to have flowers over and over again, but wouldn't say why. We loaded up and ran a few errands then went home. Later in the evening Rylan started crying again and saying he didn't want Mommy to have flowers. Again, I asked why, he finally said, "I want her to come here to get them". Tears poured all the way around. I tried to explain she couldn't get them, but she would see them. Leave it to the innocense of a child to express what we all feel.

Throughout the last year I have learned many things. Some of them are the amazing capacity for tears that humans have. When you experience a loss, the pain never goes away, you just get accustomed to it. Children will always say what adults are thinking. You are stronger than you think you. Love never dies. A Mother's heart will never heal completely. When you are an advocate for your patient in the hospital you learn more and get better care. Never miss a chance to hug those you love or to tell them you love them.

Bill has decided to knockoff for Memorial Weekend. We are going to take the crew camping (tent), fishing and four-wheeler riding. We are all ready for some fun.

The back porch is about 50% cleaned. When we get it done I am so ready to make some soap. We are down to a few bars and I can't use commercial because of all the chemials. I also need to get some sunburn lotion and booboo cream made, as it is the season.

I am so far behind on movies, I now have quite a stack and plan on catching up starting tonight. Ok, not tonight, Bravo has some good shows on tonight. Anybody watch the Real Housewives of ? shows. I admit it, they are my guilty pleasure. If you do, and you watch the OC, answer this, does Vickies new boyfriend, Brooks, remind you of G. W. Bush when he talks? Well they aren't on tonight but the new Chef show is as is the season finally for the interior decorating show (yep like them too).

I saw a new doctor today for my knees since the other one had retired. Of course we had to do all the x-rays again. Guess what the diagnosis was, I need new knees! No shit sherlock. Can't happen cause I have no insurance nor do I have a hundred grand laying around. He did give me injections. My old doc would shoot in numbing stuff first, then the kenalog so it wouldn''t hurt so bad. I thought they all do that. Oh hell no. This guy goes straight for the kenalog behind the kneecap with no numbing. I bit my jaw to keep from screaming and tried not to pee my pants at the same time. Home now, in bed. PAIN Now this is pretty common for the first few days, but I sure wasn't expecting it to hurt this much so soon. Bill did bring in my camping porta potty and set it by the bed for me to use (this is because first time I had to tinkle I didn't make it cause it hurt to much to walk that far). Wonder if I can get him to make me some popcorn for my tv viewing pleasure, yeah and a coke, that sounds good. I don't usually drink pop, I am an iced tea girl all the way (I think I picked that up when I lived in Mississippi), but I just don't think tea "goes" with popcorn.

Till next time

Beautiful

Jessika has been on my mind all day, not sure why. Then when I logged on to FB, someone had posted this picture. It is beautiful, but it makes me cry. Love you Jessika.

Life goes on

Dang, I am gone for a few weeks and now I don't even recognize Blogger, same with the new Timeline on Face Book. I must really be getting old, cause I always thought if it ain't broke - Don't mess with it.

Everything changes, life goes on, with or without us. I am still dazed but one of these days I will get caught up.

This weather has been wild. We have been lucky, we are very wet, but the warm temps and warm winds will have us back in the fields soon.

All my babies were her last weekend. Rylan had just been to the doctor with a 104 temp and had tonsillitis. Poor baby, he hung on me so I couldn't move. By Sunday he was filling much better and was a little stinker again. Rowdy started with a high temp Saturday night, and pretty much just laid around. Ava Beth was the next to fall on  Sunday.

My sister-in-law and brother-in-law came in for the weekend. They brought the little dog that used to be Jessika's so the kids could play with her. Was really sweet seeing Ava and the dog curled up together at bedtime. Michelle (sil) is staying with me. I have had some health problems, Bill is busy and I don't want to drag him away from doing stuff so Michelle is my driver, cook and nurse for a while. She is also a shoulder to cry on. Michelle was with me much of last summer when I was living in Springfield. Don't know what I would do without her. You know, my family has made no attempt to contact me since Jessika's service. I am not really surprised, but still. It's ok, I have made my own family with Bill, his family and friends, and my half-brother and step-mother. I refuse to be around anyone who does not make me feel good, alive, again.

We planted some trees last week in my "orchard". It is really just the back yard behind the garage. I didn't exactly plant either. I rode around on the four-wheeler and pointed where I wanted them. I set out 2 Fuji apple trees (I already had 3 apple trees, 2 peaches and 2 pears), 3 pear trees, 2 cherry trees, 3 white cherry trees, 2 pecans and a couple of decorative trees. I hope to enjoy the fruit in a few years and I know the grand kids will, someday it will be theirs.

Tomorrow we are going to the farmers store, I want 4 ferns to hang around the front porch. I love sitting out there early in the mornings. I take a pot of my favorite tea, a book or magazine, and enjoy the sounds and scents of nature. I am partial to the hummingbirds though. The barn swallows are back and putting their nest in the same place they have for years, but I haven't sited any hummers yet. My lilacs have bloomed and gone. I usually have them blooming around Memorial Day. Very strange weather.

We have begun thinking about a stone for Jessika. The boys are really wanting one. My holdup is that Jon wants a double stone for him and her. I don't. I want a single. He had her for 5 years, I had her for 35 and knowing what I know about them/him he doesn't deserve the double stone. He is just 40, odds are he will marry again and hopefully that will last more than 5 years, I don't think she would like him having a stone with he late wife. We will see. Sometimes things work out with a little patience and "encouraging words".

I still cry often. Not every day now. I think of Jessika every minute of every day, I talk to her, I close my eyes and remember how she would throw back her head to laugh, slip out a snort, look to see if anyone caught the snort, and go back to laughing. She is often in my dreams. Ava Beth says she likes to sleep here because she always dreams of her mommy when she is here. Rylan talks frequently about her when he is here. I am amazed at them, I ache for them. Life is so unfair, not only to lose their Mother, but to live in the situation as it is. My heart breaks for them, it also explains why Rylan doesn't let go of me when he is here.

Well now the eyes are full of tears and it is getting hard to see to type. So I will say Good Night. Love your kids and hug them every chance you get.

Smiles

This was a great weekend. My tears only dropped a few times, and those were in private. Praying this is start of healing. I was able to talk about Jessika several times only loosing a few tears.

We had all the kids this weekend. Since there had been some rain, Bill couldn't get into the field. So we went fishing, 4 wheeler riding and picnicking.

We headed up to the lake owned by a long time friend. It was drizzling a little off and on all morning, but we had sunshine in the afternoon.

Ava Beth caught the first fish of the day, but dropped it on the dock and it flopped back into the water. She was okay with it, she just wanted to keep fishing and she did end up with one on the stringer.

Instead of Easter Baskets this year we got a gift for the kids. The three oldest boys (9, 13, 15) were thrilled with a tent of their own, a pretty good size one that would hold them and 3 friends easily. (I tend to over pack so our tent is a bit crowded). Ava Beth and Rylan both got little rod and reels and a small tackle box with a few lures in it. Ava kept playing in hers and managed to slice her finger. I sent her to the van to grab the first aid kit. We got it cleaned, medicated and a band aid on. Rylan came over to see what was going on and eyed the first aid kit. Then in his very adult voice informed us that the kit was for emergencies. Cracked us up, we didn't know that he knew that word.

Rylan was so into peeing in the great outdoors that I think he went every hour. He did get a little while with his aim and came close to giving himself a shower.  Rylan caught the last fish of the day, a crappie. Bill wanted to take a picture of him and his fish. Well Rylan dropped the fish and for 30 minutes he cried because he thought he hurt his fish. I don't think we are going to tell him we are going to eat it. I am afraid that would traumatize him.  We did end up with 25 crappie and one bass yesterday. The boys and Bill were up till 1:00 trying to get them all cleaned and in the freezer. Today Bill and Rase went back up to do a little more riding and fish a bit. They said the fish weren't biting today so they only brought home 2 crappie and one bass. I see a fish fry in our future.

We are planning on camping a lot this year. Yes,we do tent camp, but it isn't really roughing it lol. So our tent is big, nicely big. It is divided into 2 rooms, not by a curtain but by a built in divider with a zip door. We have a queen size air mattress, an inflatable couch that doubles as a queen size bed, and a ton of cots for whomever. I have 5x7 rugs on both sides of the tent. A porta potty is not a luxury so I have one on the same side as our bed. We have all the kitchen stuff we could possibly need including a gas toaster oven (Bs & Gs are so much better when eaten in the great outdoors. I may get a few pics when we set up again.

This lady is wiped out. The kids all went home this evening, I think they are worn out also and are ready for bed.

 There was a lot of moss this time, probably due to the warm temps, the wind shoved it all over to where we were fishing, but it didn't stop us.

Ava Beth and Bertha's broken curtain rod.

Rylan and his first catch ever.

Later

Oops

So today is a high pain day for me so I am just laying here, trying to teach the cat the proper way to lay down (she thinks she is a dog so I am having Pete and Giz lay over and over again to model for her, I think they are tired though as Pete is letting loose with a loud sigh each time, and now Giz is under the bed lol). So far she is uninterested, still goes to where she wants to lay and just plops over. I think maybe I should video it, cause you gotta see it to believe it.

I am afraid I have become quite addicted to some Face Book games. Crescent solitaire and Garden of Time consume just a bit more time than they should. Although, I am becoming quite adept and playing while carrying on a conversation. I can't play them on my Kindle or the Touchpad so I was going through serious withdrawal.

I am also trying to figure out a way to gently break it to Bill that I have turned our yard into an orchard. Boys aren't gonna be real happy either as it will cut the room they have for baseball toss and football. Oh well.

Bill came home yesterday and is very concerned about the weather. All those really warm days we had caused the wheat to come out of dormancy, grow and now they are developing heads. Well if it gets as cold as predicted (frost warning, freeze advisory) the whole wheat crop could be wiped out. Please send warm energies to our wheat crop.

We have dealt with enough bad things over the last 2 years, I really hope the wheat is not affected and we can begin to see a turnaround with our luck.

Lance (Jessika's ex husband whom we still love) took the boys out to see their mom for Easter. They took her a little basket and some flowers. I am so proud of them, I know Jess is too.

We are supposed to get rain later this week, so the boys and their dad are going to seed grass there for me. I very much want to get a stone on there, but can't because of Jon. He is insisting on a double stone. I refuse. I want a single and he can leave word when he passes to change the stone to a double then. In my mind he gave up rights to a double stone when he began dating so soon after we lost Jess. So for now we leave it as is. Bill has not been able to go out there yet, is barely glances at her pictures or of the boys out there. Too hard for him. Oh, it is hard for me also, but I don't hold it in, if I feel the need to cry or scream I do. He keeps it all in.

Well, I could say I am going to go and get some house work done. That is a lie. I took some benedryl earlier for hives and now I am out of it. So I am going to go take a nap.

Later

Peeps

I almost forgot I was going to share this site, perfect for Easter, Spring, anytime actually.

http://www.peepresearch.org/

March was a black month. The thermometer showed warm temps outside, but inside it was cold. Not only was I deep in grief, I had several medical issues also.

Rylan had a great pirate party, he adored that everyone was wearing pirate t-shirts. I had gotten new pirate costumes for Ava Beth and Rylan, they looked adorable. If I can figure out where the pictures are I will let you see.  Their dad, however, did not make it. I was holding myself together until everyone sang happy birthday to Jessika. Luckily, Rylan was on my lap so I was able to bury my head against his back so no one could see the tears.

Ryder, grandson number two, has been spending a lot of time with us. It is so good to have him around, his personality is so much like Bill, and Rylan looks to have it also.

The warm days make me want to camp. If Bill can get the field work done, we will go Memorial Day weekend. The boys will go with us, I don't know if I will get to take the little ones, their is a lot of tension with their dad. We did take the boys fishing and on a picnic last Sunday. The crappie were biting so we all caught a lot (Of  course I caught the most).

We have lost several trees the last few years because of storms. We need to replace some. Bill is gonna kill me. I have a few fruit trees that we planted 3 years ago, they set some fruit last summer, but I wasn't here to enjoy it. So I decided to plant a few more, I kind of went overboard. I ended up getting a pecan tree, 3 white cherry trees, 2 plum, 2 more pear, a Fuji apple and 3 peony bushes. I wasn't thinking about mowing around them, I was just thinking of the fruit. I had white cherries for the first time last summer and am so addicted. They should come on in June, so if you haven't tried them, you must. I am going to wait till they arrive to break the news to Bill.

The boys always grab our laptops when they are here. Not sure exactly what they did, but both of our laptops had a virus. I finally got mine going again, but am still working on Bill's. I was able to read blogs but I couldn't get the scroll or post features to work, which is the main reason I have been away.

Does anyone know how to teach a cat? She is not a problem, a real sweetheart and great mouser. The problem is when she lays down. She lays down ok if it is on someone, but if she lays anywhere else she walks to the spot then keels over on whichever side she wants to lay on. The only time it is a problem is when she decides to sleep with us, the thud wakes me up every time.

I am looking for good crockpot recipes, if you have any please share.

Blessings