Moonbeams and Heartstrings

I had a panic attack today. My first in a while. unless you count when we fly. I think it may have been brought on by the time. In two weeks it will be one year since our lives were forever changed, the first anniversary of when we lost Jessika.

I knew this was going to be hard. I have tried to prepare myself.

Bill is just beginning to heal, he has blocked it as long as he could. He said that getting the tattoo was helpful. He tied the pain of loosing Jess to the pain from the tattoo. They became one and the same. As the tattoo began to heal so has his heart. What is so cool, as even though we just shared this with each other, is that I was doing the same thing.

We still miss her dearly. That pain, that piece of our hearts that disappeared, has forever changed, branded us. Nothing can ever make that better. As we continue to heal, the happy, silly, quiet moments with Jessika begin to dominate. The stronger they become, the more we will be able to celebrate her life.

I wanted to keep my mind as busy as possible this month. I started putting a cookbook together of all of Jessika's favorite recipes and foods. It was to have been a gift for family members for Christmas. Then Bill decided, we should sell the books and use the money for a memorial of some kind for Jess at the local ball diamonds. With 5 kids, there has been and will continue to be a lot of time spent there, and I think it is something Jess would approve of.

I have sorted, gathered, condensed, typed 275 plus recipes that Jess either made or liked to eat. I have a little more to proof, then will send it to the printers. I hope we can profit enough to do a nice memorial.

Once I get this sent off, I will then start sorting pictures to make "memory books" for the kids for Christmas.

That should take a while and keep my mind busy for a while.

Blessings