I have had a migraine since Sunday, nothing will stop the pain.
I think my head is demonstrating what my heart feels.
I also think March 3 is behind it. That is Jessika's birthday, it would have been #36. It is also her youngest's 3rd birthday.
The thought keeps running thru my head and I can't stop it. Rylan was born on 3/3 his mothers 33rd birthday. Was this an omen? a sign? something I should have picked up on that could have prevented Jessika's death. Or was it just coincidence. Were the feelings I had the Friday night before we lost her, the feeling that I had to be with her, did I miss something? or was this feeling given to me so I could be with her in the end? I don't know. I think I did all I could, but what if I missed seeing or feeling something that would have made a difference? Did I not fight the nurses hard enough? did I leave the hospital too soon that night? If I were there when she started to code could I have helped? saw the problem and stopped it.
It overwhelms me.
Right now my plan is to have a birthday party for Rylan with all the kids and a few close friends along with Bill's parents. I was going to fix a meal, I know that is too much, it's gonna be take out pizza. I am going to make the Pirate cupcakes and cake that Rylan has been requesting since Thanksgiving. I am also making Jessika a birthday cake. The older boys want to take a piece to her, but they all believe she will be here, they need to see something, like the Christmas tree and the jack-o-lantern they have put on her I can't say it.
And the waterfall is flowing again. Time to go.
Hug and Kiss your children no matter what their age. You just never know . . .
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Posted by Deb at 5:41 PM
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