Each night I stare at the sky
the thousands of twinkling stars
and I imagine you there
dancing among the Moonbeams.

And the tears flow like rain
as I think of the time we were together
I am broken now, lost without you
But I know, the thing that will always connect us
are our Heartstrings

Friday, February 24, 2012

Rough Weeks

I am still here. The last few weeks have been rough, and for more than one reason. I picked up the "bug" that was going around, however mine turned into bronchitis and a trip to the doc. Now I am on a heavy duty antibiotic (think almost $200) and Neb treatments 4 times a day. Also have a few complications that we are watching.

Ava Beth had her tea party. It was a riot, really a riot. Those four little girls managed to completely wipe out a bedroom and the living room. At least they had fun. I felt bad as I had a 3 day migraine and couldn't get the cupcakes and other goodies made. I was so surprised that the girls went to town on the little sandwiches, well except for the PB&J. They killed the cucumber sandwiches (1 med cucumber peeled and 2 lg packages of Philly cream cheese, mix all together in a food processor or blender, works best if you cream the cucumber then add the Philly) and the ham sandwiches (thin sliced ham, Philly whipped with chives, spread Philly on both slices of bread add the ham, enjoy). I did have the bread cut into cute shapes with large cookie cutters.

I had gathered up all the dress ups I could find and the girls went through them, after trying on several outfits they decided on outfits and the "tea" began.  Ava Beth went for the princess look.

Waiting on the tea to be served.

Petit Fours and shhh, Little Debbie cakes, there were veggies and dip in those little shot cups.

Oh no, they found the peanuts.

And now the tea is over and the peanuts are the big hit (even if Ava Beth told the girls it was okay to throw the shells on the floor, I think she thought she was at a steak house).

My other issue, is Jon, Jessika's husband. He is dating, started when Jessika had only been gone around 3 months. So, the dating is now a relationship and yeah I am having issues with it. My issue is the kids are involved, too involved. He promised me he wouldn't introduce kids to anyone until he had been with them several months. So much for that.

I asked for the kids every other weekend. It was agreed by both dads that I could have them on that schedule. Not only do we get to spend time with them, they are all together. Well the last 3 times I was supposed to have them, someone interfered and I didn't get the little ones as long as I was supposed to. This is getting very frustrating. I miss them, I NEED them.

March 3rd is Jessika's birthday, it is also Rylan's, he will be three. Since mid January I have been planning a pirate party for Rylan. I am also making a birthday cake for Jessika, and for Pop (my father-in-law). Now that isn't working for Jon. He says it is too hard to have a party on her birthday. It is hard. It hurts. Some how, in the grand scheme of life it is fitting that we celebrate Jessika's birthday as we celebrate Rylan's. I wonder if she somehow knew. I know for a fact she would hate it to not celebrate Rylan's  birthday because of hers. I am afraid if we didn't celebrate we'd be dodging lightening bolts. I know if we don't have something to focus on we will spend the day in bed, crying.

Crying. I still do that, almost daily. I still hurt. I still miss her. I don't think this is something I will get over, I think it is something I have to live with. Rylan was laying in bed with me last Sunday morning. I looked over and he had tears in his eyes, then he said "I want my mom". What do you say to a 3 year old. I felt the hot tears on my cheeks and I told him "Me too".

So, that is where I have been and what I have doing for the last few weeks. I did finally get my laptop up and running and it is so much easier to post from than the Kindle or Touchpad.



  1. IHave been so worried about you!When I opened my email and saw that you had commented I was so happy I cried!
    I'm so sorry that you've been sick. I hope your feeling better now.
    OK now for the part where I'm your friend and not just another blogger.
    You need to get on some antidepressive's. There is no shame in this. It's time. And you need something else to focus on other than your grandchildren(check your state laws about grandparents rights).I take it you haven't found a support group yet, what about some volunteer work? Something to take your mind off yourself and Jessika.When we help others we take our minds off ourselves.
    I hate for you to be in this much pain all the time. I want you to be happy again and see the beautiful world around you. You have a lot to give. There are many that could use your love and specialness.
    Welcome back! The world has missed you! Me the most!

    1. Thank you so much for your words. No I haven't been able to find a group yet, I do start grief counseling next week. I am now on 2 antidepressents, Zoloft I take in the morning, Elavil I take a bedtime, it helps me sleep and that helps with the fibromyalgia pain. It causes me so much physical pain, that along with my knees, I don't leave the house without my wheelchair, which also elemnates most volunteer work in my area (town of 5,000). I am looking forward to spring and summer. I love sitting in my yard with a morning cup of tea, this is something Jessika and I did, now I want to pass that on to Ava Beth. We are building a shed which is going to allow me to do some landscaping, I can not wait to get some herbs planted. Also hoping to do some tent camping. I just need to get through the next week. It really made my month to see your kind comments, I have been feeling warm fuzzies since. I am in south central Illinois, farm country. Are you any where near? Now I am off to plan a pirate menu.


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