Each night I stare at the sky
the thousands of twinkling stars
and I imagine you there
dancing among the Moonbeams.

And the tears flow like rain
as I think of the time we were together
I am broken now, lost without you
But I know, the thing that will always connect us
are our Heartstrings

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Life goes on

Dang, I am gone for a few weeks and now I don't even recognize Blogger, same with the new Timeline on Face Book. I must really be getting old, cause I always thought if it ain't broke - Don't mess with it.

Everything changes, life goes on, with or without us. I am still dazed but one of these days I will get caught up.

This weather has been wild. We have been lucky, we are very wet, but the warm temps and warm winds will have us back in the fields soon.

All my babies were her last weekend. Rylan had just been to the doctor with a 104 temp and had tonsillitis. Poor baby, he hung on me so I couldn't move. By Sunday he was filling much better and was a little stinker again. Rowdy started with a high temp Saturday night, and pretty much just laid around. Ava Beth was the next to fall on  Sunday.

My sister-in-law and brother-in-law came in for the weekend. They brought the little dog that used to be Jessika's so the kids could play with her. Was really sweet seeing Ava and the dog curled up together at bedtime. Michelle (sil) is staying with me. I have had some health problems, Bill is busy and I don't want to drag him away from doing stuff so Michelle is my driver, cook and nurse for a while. She is also a shoulder to cry on. Michelle was with me much of last summer when I was living in Springfield. Don't know what I would do without her. You know, my family has made no attempt to contact me since Jessika's service. I am not really surprised, but still. It's ok, I have made my own family with Bill, his family and friends, and my half-brother and step-mother. I refuse to be around anyone who does not make me feel good, alive, again.

We planted some trees last week in my "orchard". It is really just the back yard behind the garage. I didn't exactly plant either. I rode around on the four-wheeler and pointed where I wanted them. I set out 2 Fuji apple trees (I already had 3 apple trees, 2 peaches and 2 pears), 3 pear trees, 2 cherry trees, 3 white cherry trees, 2 pecans and a couple of decorative trees. I hope to enjoy the fruit in a few years and I know the grand kids will, someday it will be theirs.

Tomorrow we are going to the farmers store, I want 4 ferns to hang around the front porch. I love sitting out there early in the mornings. I take a pot of my favorite tea, a book or magazine, and enjoy the sounds and scents of nature. I am partial to the hummingbirds though. The barn swallows are back and putting their nest in the same place they have for years, but I haven't sited any hummers yet. My lilacs have bloomed and gone. I usually have them blooming around Memorial Day. Very strange weather.

We have begun thinking about a stone for Jessika. The boys are really wanting one. My holdup is that Jon wants a double stone for him and her. I don't. I want a single. He had her for 5 years, I had her for 35 and knowing what I know about them/him he doesn't deserve the double stone. He is just 40, odds are he will marry again and hopefully that will last more than 5 years, I don't think she would like him having a stone with he late wife. We will see. Sometimes things work out with a little patience and "encouraging words".

I still cry often. Not every day now. I think of Jessika every minute of every day, I talk to her, I close my eyes and remember how she would throw back her head to laugh, slip out a snort, look to see if anyone caught the snort, and go back to laughing. She is often in my dreams. Ava Beth says she likes to sleep here because she always dreams of her mommy when she is here. Rylan talks frequently about her when he is here. I am amazed at them, I ache for them. Life is so unfair, not only to lose their Mother, but to live in the situation as it is. My heart breaks for them, it also explains why Rylan doesn't let go of me when he is here.

Well now the eyes are full of tears and it is getting hard to see to type. So I will say Good Night. Love your kids and hug them every chance you get.


  1. I'm glad your doing better and you have help, also so glad to see you back here! I missed you girl!


Blog designed by PIP Designs