Each night I stare at the sky
the thousands of twinkling stars
and I imagine you there
dancing among the Moonbeams.

And the tears flow like rain
as I think of the time we were together
I am broken now, lost without you
But I know, the thing that will always connect us
are our Heartstrings

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Where is June

May is awful, too many bad memories here. I need June to move on.

We had all the kids last weekend, it was fun, it was sad, there was a lot of love, hugs and a few tears.

Saturday started off with a large bouquet of flowers delivered from all of the grandkids. Beautiful. The weather was great so we spent most of the day outside. Lots of work to do on the yard and many new trees to plant. The boys even broke the frisbee out to play. Later in the evening two of our friends and their girls came out to deliver another bouquet of flowers for me.

Sunday, the kids and I took a bouquet of flowers out to their Mom. This is where the tears started. As soon as we got there Rylan jumped out of the truck and started looking around. I was not aware neither he nor Ava Beth hadn't been there yet.

Slowly, with his head hanging in dissapointment, Rylan came up and said, "Bubbah, I can't see Heaven." Rase looked for tissues for me while I explained that we can't see Heaven until we get there. He seemed to accept that, so we took the flowers over and did a little housekeeping. We took a few pictures, and got ready to leave. Rylan started crying and yelling, "I don't want Mommy to have flowers over and over again, but wouldn't say why. We loaded up and ran a few errands then went home. Later in the evening Rylan started crying again and saying he didn't want Mommy to have flowers. Again, I asked why, he finally said, "I want her to come here to get them". Tears poured all the way around. I tried to explain she couldn't get them, but she would see them. Leave it to the innocense of a child to express what we all feel.

Throughout the last year I have learned many things. Some of them are the amazing capacity for tears that humans have. When you experience a loss, the pain never goes away, you just get accustomed to it. Children will always say what adults are thinking. You are stronger than you think you. Love never dies. A Mother's heart will never heal completely. When you are an advocate for your patient in the hospital you learn more and get better care. Never miss a chance to hug those you love or to tell them you love them.

Bill has decided to knockoff for Memorial Weekend. We are going to take the crew camping (tent), fishing and four-wheeler riding. We are all ready for some fun.

The back porch is about 50% cleaned. When we get it done I am so ready to make some soap. We are down to a few bars and I can't use commercial because of all the chemials. I also need to get some sunburn lotion and booboo cream made, as it is the season.

I am so far behind on movies, I now have quite a stack and plan on catching up starting tonight. Ok, not tonight, Bravo has some good shows on tonight. Anybody watch the Real Housewives of ? shows. I admit it, they are my guilty pleasure. If you do, and you watch the OC, answer this, does Vickies new boyfriend, Brooks, remind you of G. W. Bush when he talks? Well they aren't on tonight but the new Chef show is as is the season finally for the interior decorating show (yep like them too).

I saw a new doctor today for my knees since the other one had retired. Of course we had to do all the x-rays again. Guess what the diagnosis was, I need new knees! No shit sherlock. Can't happen cause I have no insurance nor do I have a hundred grand laying around. He did give me injections. My old doc would shoot in numbing stuff first, then the kenalog so it wouldn''t hurt so bad. I thought they all do that. Oh hell no. This guy goes straight for the kenalog behind the kneecap with no numbing. I bit my jaw to keep from screaming and tried not to pee my pants at the same time. Home now, in bed. PAIN Now this is pretty common for the first few days, but I sure wasn't expecting it to hurt this much so soon. Bill did bring in my camping porta potty and set it by the bed for me to use (this is because first time I had to tinkle I didn't make it cause it hurt to much to walk that far). Wonder if I can get him to make me some popcorn for my tv viewing pleasure, yeah and a coke, that sounds good. I don't usually drink pop, I am an iced tea girl all the way (I think I picked that up when I lived in Mississippi), but I just don't think tea "goes" with popcorn.

Till next time


  1. Hi,

    I just got finished reading all the posts about your daughter and I'm sitting here typing to you with tears running down my face.

    First I want to tell you how sorry I am. How can one ever say the right words to a mother who lost her daughter? I wish I knew.

    As I read your posts I just kept hearing over and over "please tell my mom I'm still with her".

    So, here I am. I truely believe your daughter is with you and while you can't see her you know she is there. She wants you to live your life and be happy.

    I know that is harder to do then for me to say. But, I really feel that is what she wants you to do.

    She wants you to laugh again and enjoy life. She does not want you to spend your days crying and missing her. She wants you to remember her always but to do so by living life to the fullest.

    Just know that when you think of her it's because she is sitting right beside you with her arms around you and whispering in your ear how much she loves you.

    Trust God and know that He is taking care of her until you are one day together again.

    Just as you finally saw that losing your job turned out to be a blessing, sometimes it is hard for us to trust and believe that God knows what He is doing. But, He does.

    Also, please know that there was nothing you could have done to prevent the death of your daughter. God was calling her home. Her time here on Earth was finished and she was needed in Heaven.

    Your love and being there as she passed was all she needed from you and you gave that to her fully.

    Big hugs to you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

    1. Thank you for your support and words. I have more good days than bad now. We have been to a grief counselor and that has helped. Bill still isn't able to talk much about her or look at pictures, I am hoping he finds peace soon. I know this is something we will never get over, but hopefully a scar will form and we will learn to live with the scar.

  2. Awe sweetie you sound so much better than you have in the past, and the kids are so beautiful, I still miss you being around but I'll take what I can get.
    Gloria is having a Colonoscopy done on the 24 th to find out why she's bleeding, they think she has Crohn's .Please keep her in your heart next Thursday, I love you sister woman.


Blog designed by PIP Designs