We lost more than Jessika

Last night I was laying in bed watching TV, Bill was in the living room. He hollered the kids are here. I yelled back, good I hope Jess is with them. Then I realized what I had said, and broke down, Bill got pretty watery too and reminded me Jess is with them. It took a while to stop the tears, but my heart is still heavy.

I was on FB earlier, and someone posted a link to a dance studio where Ava took lessons. I clicked on it to see if they had any pictures, they did.

It is hard enough that we lost Jess, but we have lost so much of the kids lives also. Lance usually tags me in pics so at least I get to see ones of the boys, but nothing on the little ones. We were not invited to Ava's grandparents day, and we knew nothing of all the performances I found out she was in. I am going to try and contact one of the mother's and see if they can let us know about events we might want to see. I spent close to an hour going through pictures and here I will share a couple of them. Yes, I am a very proud grandma, of all my babies.

Ava

 Rase with 2 players and Mike Matheny's wife @ a tournament in St. Louis They came in second!

Ava at cheer

Ava and fellow cheerleaders

Ava, front right

Rase at sweetheart dance

Stay Cool!

Is summer already half over?

Summer is flying by. We finally have a break in the >105 temps, still not much rain, only an occasional sprinkle.

The little ones are coming about every other weekend (finally), I have been working with them on swimming. The post below this one shows our progress. Ry had misplaced his trunks (again) and wanted to skinny dip, but I had him keep his undies on this time, lol. This is his first summer in the pool and he is amazing. Ava Beth has been a water rat from her first vacation to Edisto Island at the age of 2 months! She is dog paddling pretty good, and has learned to bounce off the bottom if she sinks. Ry swims with his face down, eyes open in a kind of frog kick. He wears me out, we have to remind him to stop and breath once in a while. Rase did the underwater recording for me, Ryder and Rowdy were at friends houses.

Right after I download this, Pete (the bloodhound) ate the camera. I ordered a new one and hope it is here before the boys go rafting so they can take it with them. I used a Flip video in a Flip underwater housing. It is reasonable (somewhere around $125). We used it a couple of years ago when snorkeling and it did great. It is digital, so everything downloads to your pc via the built in USB (hence the name flip as it flips out). The software is on the camera and downloads the first time you plug it into the pc.

Today is the 17th anniversary of Jessika and Lance (her first husband) wedding. I can not believe it has been that long. It was a HUGE wedding, and so beautiful (I will try and find a pic or two). She had 6 bridesmaids (6 groomsmen) 2 flower girls and a ring bearer. There were 2 receptions, one at the church right after the ceremony, and a big one at the golf course later in the evening. (The caterer for the dinner stopped counting at 500, so glad there was enough food). And of course lots of dancing.

Next week Rase will turn 16. I can't believe it, he should still be a little guy.

We finally started looking at stones. Not ready to buy yet, but looking. We want the final decision to be the older boys. We still have a little looking to do, but when they find it, we will see what we can do.

I think all these things have combined to make me blue. The tears still fall, almost daily. My heart hurts, I know this is never going away. The difference is, I can smile now, laugh, pass on those silly parts of Jessika I want her kids to know.

Since the guys are leaving the day after the party, I am making cupcakes instead of a big birthday cake. That way the guys can take some with them for eating on the road. So far I have decided on: red velvet, dk chocolate with mint filling, chocolate with cream filling, chocolate with chili pepper, key lime, coconut and plain old vanilla. That should keep me plenty busy, hoping to get them baked and frozen this week, then will just have to thaw, fill and frost next week for party. There are a couple more I am thinking about, but will wait and see how much time I have. Bill is going to smoke a couple of pork butts, and I will make baked beans, potato casserole, deviled eggs and pasta salad, those will all have to be done day of. Wish me luck.

So what do you have going on?

Kids Swimming

June

Well I have been MIA for a while as you may have noticed. June was a rough month, in many ways.

I have had some health issues. With no insurance I wont have a lot of tests done, so the doctors are having a bit of a problem figuring out exactly what is wrong. For now we are treating symptoms, so either it will get better on its own, or get bad enough the problem can be identified and fixed.

June was also a very emotional month. I miss Jessika more than ever. It just didn't seem right opening up the pool without her. I would lay on a raft, slipping back and forth between awake and that twighlight sleep we get before totaling zoning out. Something would pop in my mind, and without further thought I would tell Jessika. It finally dawned on me when she would never asnwer that she was not here. The tears would come then. I don't cry as often as I did, but at least once a day a memory will float through my mind and I will cry.

Last time my little ones were here, Rylan was so tired and having a grouchy time, then he started crying that he wanted his mommy. I think this has been harder on him than anyone and he is only 3. I held him and rocked him to sleep and tried not to let my tears drip on him.

Tears were the only water that fell here in June. We have also had many many hot days. Last weekend we were over 106 for a few days, still over 102. Next week it is supposed to be cooler, back down in the 90s. It did rain a smidge over an inch here Monday. The rain came too late for the corn crop though. The corn is pollenating, but there are no ears to pollinate. The beans are hurt from the drought, but the rain should help them some. It will be one rough winter with no income from the farm. I am praying we can salvage enough to pay back the costs of planting.

Several times last month the darkness creeped back in. With the help of Bill, good friends (Nat) and my grandbabies, I was able to keep the darkness to the edges and it didn't envelop me as it has in the past.

Bill is preparing to take the oldest two boys on a whitewater rafting trip in West Virginia with his brother and his oldest kids (have to be over 12 to go). I think it will be good for them. The trip was planned and paid for before we realized how bad the crops were. I am glad for that. I will spend my week sleeping and swimming!

Looks like some friends are here. Ryder is with us again and has a friend out also. I love a housefull, just so wish my baby was here to enjoy it with us. Life is never going to be the same again.

Have a happy and safe 4th.