Each night I stare at the sky
the thousands of twinkling stars
and I imagine you there
dancing among the Moonbeams.

And the tears flow like rain
as I think of the time we were together
I am broken now, lost without you
But I know, the thing that will always connect us
are our Heartstrings

Wednesday, July 4, 2012


Well I have been MIA for a while as you may have noticed. June was a rough month, in many ways.

I have had some health issues. With no insurance I wont have a lot of tests done, so the doctors are having a bit of a problem figuring out exactly what is wrong. For now we are treating symptoms, so either it will get better on its own, or get bad enough the problem can be identified and fixed.

June was also a very emotional month. I miss Jessika more than ever. It just didn't seem right opening up the pool without her. I would lay on a raft, slipping back and forth between awake and that twighlight sleep we get before totaling zoning out. Something would pop in my mind, and without further thought I would tell Jessika. It finally dawned on me when she would never asnwer that she was not here. The tears would come then. I don't cry as often as I did, but at least once a day a memory will float through my mind and I will cry.

Last time my little ones were here, Rylan was so tired and having a grouchy time, then he started crying that he wanted his mommy. I think this has been harder on him than anyone and he is only 3. I held him and rocked him to sleep and tried not to let my tears drip on him.

Tears were the only water that fell here in June. We have also had many many hot days. Last weekend we were over 106 for a few days, still over 102. Next week it is supposed to be cooler, back down in the 90s. It did rain a smidge over an inch here Monday. The rain came too late for the corn crop though. The corn is pollenating, but there are no ears to pollinate. The beans are hurt from the drought, but the rain should help them some. It will be one rough winter with no income from the farm. I am praying we can salvage enough to pay back the costs of planting.

Several times last month the darkness creeped back in. With the help of Bill, good friends (Nat) and my grandbabies, I was able to keep the darkness to the edges and it didn't envelop me as it has in the past.

Bill is preparing to take the oldest two boys on a whitewater rafting trip in West Virginia with his brother and his oldest kids (have to be over 12 to go). I think it will be good for them. The trip was planned and paid for before we realized how bad the crops were. I am glad for that. I will spend my week sleeping and swimming!

Looks like some friends are here. Ryder is with us again and has a friend out also. I love a housefull, just so wish my baby was here to enjoy it with us. Life is never going to be the same again.

Have a happy and safe 4th.

1 comment:

  1. No it will never be the same but that doesn't mean it can't be good again, even great.
    Jessika left you apart of herself in each one of those beautiful grand babies of yours.
    Celebrate that. Be thankful for that. Be glad that Jessika is no longer in pain or unhappy and that she is probably laughing and happy watching you and her Dad with her babies!
    You know I love you and I'm always here for you.


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