It's the little things . . .

Today was my 53rd birthday, I did not "celebrate" as it was my first birthday without Jess. I did spend most of the day in reflection. I remembered what my Grandma Shipley told me years ago, it is the little things that matter, the little things are what are most remembered. You may not remember all about a trip, but you would remember how you were treated, the chocolates on your pillow and the turn down service.

Grandma was right. It is the little things that I that I cherish. Jessika's frequent laugh interrupted by a snort. Her quick wit and easy sense of humor. Her turning a recipe into her own. The way her eyelashes looked fake as they were so black and long. I hate that she suffered so long in the hospital. But, I will cherish those days, holding her hand and watching her crazy real crime shows, rubbing lotion on her feet and legs, painting her nails, brushing her hair, and kissing her small hand when I had to leave for the day. It is awful and painful, but I wouldn't trade it. I am more than blessed to have been able to be with her almost every day of her illness. I hope I made life a little better for her. I am glad I was there in the end. It was hard, gut wrenching. I didn't know a human could take that pain and go on. But I know, had I not  been there I would forever regret it.

I was able many years ago to forgive my father. To accept he did the best he could with what he had. We went on to have a very close relationship that I cherish, I do miss him, especially this past year. I decided I was not being fair to my mother, not accepting her as I did my dad. So, in my heart I forgave her. We had a birthday party for Rase, my oldest grandson. I extended the olive branch and invited mom and my step-dad. They came. It was a little awkward, but pleasant. I will accept that she has done the best she can and accept her for who she is, not who I wanted her to be. I had a relatively minor surgery last week. She called to check on me, she made soup and sent it over to us, she even emailed me birthday wishes. All very unexpected. I don't want to put expectations on this relationship, I will take what I can get and be grateful for it.

Jon has been very pleasant of late and generous with the amount of time we get with the little ones. Again, I put no expectations for this relationship, but will take what I can get. I know he is hurting and lonesome, I am trying to be a shoulder he can cry on for however long it lasts.

Well, I think that's enough reflection and tears for today. With so many anniversaries approaching I know the next several weeks are going to be really tough, for all of us. We will get through it. To not, would be an awful way to memorialize Jessika.

Blessings

What If . . .

What if, two little words that can change everything. For some, they bring excitement; what if we won the lottery, what if we got married, what if we painted the wall red.

For me, not so much. I would like to eradicate them from my brain. Those little words bring me much pain and heartache. What if we had stayed at the hospital until Jessika's tests were back, what if I had been in the room and saw what was happening. What if Jon had been open and honest with us in the beginning of her illness. What if I could have stayed with her 24/7.

I am better at hiding the pain now, but when those two little words start swirling in my brain the pain overwhelms me. At night, I lay in bed and watch to see the slow even breathing of sleep in Bill. Then, I can let go. The hot tears run down my cheeks leaving a salty trail for more tears to follow. My heart hurts with the pain, the loss. When I am exhausted, I flip my pillow to the dry side and try to sleep.

When I wake in the morning, I carry on the best I can and keep the pain buried. I have people depending on me, I have to be strong. But, when night falls, and sleep is yet to come, those two little words start swirling in my head and the tears fall again.

I think I'm losing my mind

Actually I think I already lost it!

I have good days, good weeks, but I also have tears, almost every day. Everything will be great and then a thought pops into my head and there I go.

I redid the living room because there are so many memories there, many not so good, lots of negative energy. I got a sofa, chair and a half, and ottoman from a lady here in town for $200, don't think they were ever sat on. Got frilly yellow curtains on the windows, new rug on the floor. Using the ottoman as a coffee table for now, picked up a couple of tables on eBay, and pulled a few things out of storage. Put my little antique kitchen table at one end of living room, new liqueur cabinet (old one literally fell apart), drug a hall table in, replaced TV stand. Saged everything.

When I was done I looked around at my work and realized, I had done it exactly like Jessika would have. She loved the Victorian style and that is what it looks like! I guess I had an invisible hand guiding me. The energy in there is good now. I have a lot of empty frames around, I want to put pictures of Jessika in them, but Bill is not ready yet.

We had Rase's 16th birthday party last night. It was a lot of fun. We had tons of cupcakes, I will post about them later along with recipes.

My wee ones are here for the weekend. Ry is sitting beside me saying the letters as I type and Ava is tapping her foot waiting on me to do her nails, so I will sign off for today.

Blessings