Each night I stare at the sky
the thousands of twinkling stars
and I imagine you there
dancing among the Moonbeams.

And the tears flow like rain
as I think of the time we were together
I am broken now, lost without you
But I know, the thing that will always connect us
are our Heartstrings

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

It's the little things . . .

Today was my 53rd birthday, I did not "celebrate" as it was my first birthday without Jess. I did spend most of the day in reflection. I remembered what my Grandma Shipley told me years ago, it is the little things that matter, the little things are what are most remembered. You may not remember all about a trip, but you would remember how you were treated, the chocolates on your pillow and the turn down service.

Grandma was right. It is the little things that I that I cherish. Jessika's frequent laugh interrupted by a snort. Her quick wit and easy sense of humor. Her turning a recipe into her own. The way her eyelashes looked fake as they were so black and long. I hate that she suffered so long in the hospital. But, I will cherish those days, holding her hand and watching her crazy real crime shows, rubbing lotion on her feet and legs, painting her nails, brushing her hair, and kissing her small hand when I had to leave for the day. It is awful and painful, but I wouldn't trade it. I am more than blessed to have been able to be with her almost every day of her illness. I hope I made life a little better for her. I am glad I was there in the end. It was hard, gut wrenching. I didn't know a human could take that pain and go on. But I know, had I not  been there I would forever regret it.

I was able many years ago to forgive my father. To accept he did the best he could with what he had. We went on to have a very close relationship that I cherish, I do miss him, especially this past year. I decided I was not being fair to my mother, not accepting her as I did my dad. So, in my heart I forgave her. We had a birthday party for Rase, my oldest grandson. I extended the olive branch and invited mom and my step-dad. They came. It was a little awkward, but pleasant. I will accept that she has done the best she can and accept her for who she is, not who I wanted her to be. I had a relatively minor surgery last week. She called to check on me, she made soup and sent it over to us, she even emailed me birthday wishes. All very unexpected. I don't want to put expectations on this relationship, I will take what I can get and be grateful for it.

Jon has been very pleasant of late and generous with the amount of time we get with the little ones. Again, I put no expectations for this relationship, but will take what I can get. I know he is hurting and lonesome, I am trying to be a shoulder he can cry on for however long it lasts.

Well, I think that's enough reflection and tears for today. With so many anniversaries approaching I know the next several weeks are going to be really tough, for all of us. We will get through it. To not, would be an awful way to memorialize Jessika.


1 comment:

  1. Awe Deb, I cried reading this. You sound so much better spiritually and that makes my heart feel so happy.
    I want you to know your friendship means so very much to me, I love you sister woman!


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