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What if, two little words that can change everything. For some, they bring excitement; what if we won the lottery, what if we got married, what if we painted the wall red.
For me, not so much. I would like to eradicate them from my brain. Those little words bring me much pain and heartache. What if we had stayed at the hospital until Jessika's tests were back, what if I had been in the room and saw what was happening. What if Jon had been open and honest with us in the beginning of her illness. What if I could have stayed with her 24/7.
I am better at hiding the pain now, but when those two little words start swirling in my brain the pain overwhelms me. At night, I lay in bed and watch to see the slow even breathing of sleep in Bill. Then, I can let go. The hot tears run down my cheeks leaving a salty trail for more tears to follow. My heart hurts with the pain, the loss. When I am exhausted, I flip my pillow to the dry side and try to sleep.
When I wake in the morning, I carry on the best I can and keep the pain buried. I have people depending on me, I have to be strong. But, when night falls, and sleep is yet to come, those two little words start swirling in my head and the tears fall again.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
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ohh sweetheart, I'm so sorry
ReplyDeleteI really hate the 'what if' game. We all do it, even when we know it's a waist of time and energy. Here's the thing though, it's not going to help and it only makes you more depressed(at least it does me). You have more blessings then bad things, she left you five beautiful babies to love and care for, to guide and to honor her life with, that's a major blessing in and of itself.
ReplyDeleteSo once in a while it's OK to lay there and feel bad, but the most important thing is to remember how very, very blessed you are.
After all you have me who loves you too-how lucky is that? LOL