Each night I stare at the sky
the thousands of twinkling stars
and I imagine you there
dancing among the Moonbeams.

And the tears flow like rain
as I think of the time we were together
I am broken now, lost without you
But I know, the thing that will always connect us
are our Heartstrings

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

March Third

I have had a migraine since Sunday, nothing will stop the pain.

I think my head is demonstrating what my heart feels.

I also think March 3 is behind it. That is Jessika's birthday, it would have been #36. It is also her youngest's 3rd birthday.

The thought keeps running thru my head and I can't stop it. Rylan was born on 3/3 his mothers 33rd birthday. Was this an omen? a sign? something I should have picked up on that could have prevented Jessika's death. Or was it just coincidence. Were the feelings I had the Friday night before we lost her, the feeling that I had to be with her, did I miss something? or was this feeling given to me so I could be with her in the end? I don't know. I think I did all I could, but what if I missed seeing or feeling something that would have made a difference? Did I not fight the nurses hard enough? did I leave the hospital too soon that night? If I were there when she started to code could I have helped? saw the problem and stopped it.

It overwhelms me.

Right now my plan is to have a birthday party for Rylan with all the kids and a few close friends along with Bill's parents. I was going to fix a meal, I know that is too much, it's gonna be take out pizza. I am going to make the Pirate cupcakes and cake that Rylan has been requesting since Thanksgiving. I am also making Jessika a birthday cake. The older boys want to take a piece to her, but they all believe she will be here, they need to see something, like the Christmas tree and the jack-o-lantern they have put on her I can't say it.

And the waterfall is flowing again. Time to go.

Hug and Kiss your children no matter what their age. You just never know . . .


Friday, February 24, 2012

Rough Weeks

I am still here. The last few weeks have been rough, and for more than one reason. I picked up the "bug" that was going around, however mine turned into bronchitis and a trip to the doc. Now I am on a heavy duty antibiotic (think almost $200) and Neb treatments 4 times a day. Also have a few complications that we are watching.

Ava Beth had her tea party. It was a riot, really a riot. Those four little girls managed to completely wipe out a bedroom and the living room. At least they had fun. I felt bad as I had a 3 day migraine and couldn't get the cupcakes and other goodies made. I was so surprised that the girls went to town on the little sandwiches, well except for the PB&J. They killed the cucumber sandwiches (1 med cucumber peeled and 2 lg packages of Philly cream cheese, mix all together in a food processor or blender, works best if you cream the cucumber then add the Philly) and the ham sandwiches (thin sliced ham, Philly whipped with chives, spread Philly on both slices of bread add the ham, enjoy). I did have the bread cut into cute shapes with large cookie cutters.

I had gathered up all the dress ups I could find and the girls went through them, after trying on several outfits they decided on outfits and the "tea" began.  Ava Beth went for the princess look.

Waiting on the tea to be served.

Petit Fours and shhh, Little Debbie cakes, there were veggies and dip in those little shot cups.

Oh no, they found the peanuts.

And now the tea is over and the peanuts are the big hit (even if Ava Beth told the girls it was okay to throw the shells on the floor, I think she thought she was at a steak house).

My other issue, is Jon, Jessika's husband. He is dating, started when Jessika had only been gone around 3 months. So, the dating is now a relationship and yeah I am having issues with it. My issue is the kids are involved, too involved. He promised me he wouldn't introduce kids to anyone until he had been with them several months. So much for that.

I asked for the kids every other weekend. It was agreed by both dads that I could have them on that schedule. Not only do we get to spend time with them, they are all together. Well the last 3 times I was supposed to have them, someone interfered and I didn't get the little ones as long as I was supposed to. This is getting very frustrating. I miss them, I NEED them.

March 3rd is Jessika's birthday, it is also Rylan's, he will be three. Since mid January I have been planning a pirate party for Rylan. I am also making a birthday cake for Jessika, and for Pop (my father-in-law). Now that isn't working for Jon. He says it is too hard to have a party on her birthday. It is hard. It hurts. Some how, in the grand scheme of life it is fitting that we celebrate Jessika's birthday as we celebrate Rylan's. I wonder if she somehow knew. I know for a fact she would hate it to not celebrate Rylan's  birthday because of hers. I am afraid if we didn't celebrate we'd be dodging lightening bolts. I know if we don't have something to focus on we will spend the day in bed, crying.

Crying. I still do that, almost daily. I still hurt. I still miss her. I don't think this is something I will get over, I think it is something I have to live with. Rylan was laying in bed with me last Sunday morning. I looked over and he had tears in his eyes, then he said "I want my mom". What do you say to a 3 year old. I felt the hot tears on my cheeks and I told him "Me too".

So, that is where I have been and what I have doing for the last few weeks. I did finally get my laptop up and running and it is so much easier to post from than the Kindle or Touchpad.

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