It Almost Didn't Happen

I was rudely awoken this morning to yelling. An unusual sound in this house. I finally figured out that Bill was on the phone with Jon, it didn't sound good.

Silence.  Bill came in the bedroom and I was worried. He was red, beet red and shaking. There is a problem, he said, Jon is not bringing the little kids out. What the hell, come on, today was our Christmas for the grand kids. Bill was so upset I thought he would stroke out or have a heart attack. I finally got out of him what the problem was.

We had asked the boys dad to bring them out early. That way we could visit with them and they could help us get everything ready so when the Tasmanian devils arrived we could focus on them instead of trying to prepare brunch while visiting them. He took it the wrong way, thought we were playing favorites assumed the worst and went off half cocked.

As soon as I quit crying, I called him. I was able to get him to HEAR what I was saying and smooth things over. You see, Jon was raised by an alcoholic mother and step-dad. He learned to always assume the worst, don't trust anyone, get them before they get you. Very sad. As an adult he has not learned that we are all not that way. He is the father of 2 of my grandchildren, as such, I would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt him, nor would I the older threes dad. To cause them pain would cause my grand babies pain. It was done to me as a child, I will not allow that to happen to them. I hope someday, he will see we are always true to our word and will not hurt him.

So, finally they were all there. The first half hour or so was awkward, and I feared today would be a bust. With kids around, it is hard to stay upset, and soon we were all laughing at their antics. Jon's son by a previous marriage was also here.  We became quite attached to him since Jessika and his dad married. We treat him exactly like the 3 older boys, same type and number of gifts and everything. We even told him we want him to spend at least one night a month with us. We set it up with the older boys and their dad for them to spend every other weekend with us, and  Reagan can come with them when he wants. He seemed to like that. I didn't get anything set up with Jon concerning the two little ones. After the rough start I didn't want to push my luck.

My surprise today, my healing is beginning. I didn't miss Jessika today. That sounds harsh, I don't mean it to. I felt her today, all day. I just knew if I turned my head quick enough I would catch her standing behind me, her presence was that strong, and so comforting.

Tomorrow, the pain will most likely be back, as will the tears. But, this was a start. It reminded me that Jessika will always be with us, we might not see her, but we can feel her. Perhaps that is why I had so many memories thrown at me this week. Jessika was trying to tell me she was here. I love that, I love her and she has never been subtle. Right now I long to see her, but it is more like after she spent the day here and went home. It isn't the raging pain I have had. My heart is not aching quite so much tonight. I miss her, and wish I could have her back, erase the last year, especially for her children's sake. I can't, I have to accept and move on. I know someday I will be with her again.

I know she is with her siblings, all the babies I lost, and her two children, babies she lost. She is with her grandfather and her great grandparents who all doted on her. She is safe, she is well, she keeps in touch I just have to figure out what that is each time.

I am exhausted from the emotions of today, the rough start, wonderful middle, and then my realizations. I know I have a lot of bad days to go through yet. But, I feel, well I guess I feel Hope. That is something I haven't felt in a long time. I even laughed today, and it has been a very long time since I did that. I think I will just go to bed now so I can fall asleep with the feel of Jessika in the house. Very comforting, oh, and my battery operated candles with the dead batteries, they are still burning.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday, Season Greetings, and Blessings

Blue Christmas

Well, the last bow is on and the presents are under the tree, well as much as they can be since it is a small tabletop tree.  I didn't want one, but Ava Beth insisted. I caved. There is no angel on top this year, there never will be again.

I kind of over did the present thing. But does anyone deserve more presents than them, this year? Jessika always took care of presents, I don't know how their dad's will do. So, I went overboard. Oh well, at least I had that brief moment of satisfaction when I found them the perfect gift.

The sticky buns are rising, the rest of the food prepped. The dogs have finally crashed and DH is out cold. Tomorrow we are having our Christmas with the grand kids. My how I miss them. Before she got sick, Jessika had them here several times a week. I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving. I almost feel like I lost them when I lost her. They are separated, the two little ones living with their paternal grandparents and the older three with their dad. This is the second time those older ones have been uprooted, the first being when their parents divorced.  Now this. I can only imagine how they must feel without their Mom, their constant, their touchstone.

I knew the holidays would be painful, this was Jess's time of the year. A time when we did our baking and crafts, and laughed and loved. But I wasn't prepared for it to hurt this much. The pain is as intense as my first week without her.

I am slammed with memories that I am too raw to deal with. I finally got down my winter clothes, in one of the boxes was a small wooden "trunk" that belonged to my grandmother. I have no idea how or why it was in with my clothes. I opened it. I wish I hadn't, the memories rose, specters of the past. Someday I will treasure them, but it is too soon. The first thing I saw was a lock of Jessika's hair from her first hair cut. Down a few more layers was a 5 year olds letter to the tooth fairy. A little deeper was an 8 year olds letter to Santa. Deeper still was the kicker. A letter a teenage Jessika had written to us, thanking us for being her parents, and telling us how much she loved us. The faucets were turned on and I haven't shut them off since.

I didn't do anything traditional this year. I thought, hoped, by doing something really different, and not on Christmas I could get through it, I was wrong.

Since it is a blue Christmas, I used blue, silver and white as my colors on the tree. I didn't do any knick knacks, no snowmen, no holiday movies, no carols. My lone exception was candy jars filled with blue silver and white candies setting in the middle of greens on my coffee table, and battery candles in between. The candles went out Tuesday nite. I didn't have any batteries so I left them. Thursday I cried, I cried a lot, and yelled, a lot. I wanted my daughter, I need my daughter. I left the room for a bit, when I came back in all the candles were glowing again. I will leave it at that and let you make your own assumptions, I have.

Then this morning, I logged into our MyFamily site to get a couple of recipes that I have stored there. I haven't been on there for a long time. I didn't realize the first images I would see would be my Jessika. Again, a treasure, but one I am not ready to deal with.

My goal is to get through tomorrow for the kids. Then I can break down again.  Bill and I are leaving Tuesday for 10 days. A friend will stay at the house to keep an eye on it and the cat. We chose to go to Las Vegas. Can you think of anyplace that would be less Christmassy? We have never been there with her so there won't be added memories. We hope that will help us get through the bulk of the season.

I am going to talk to the kids dads tomorrow to see if we can work out a regular schedule to see the kids. Who is going to teach them what their mother would have, if not the person who taught her? Who will keep their Mother alive for them? They are so young. At 2, Rylan will probably not remember his mother, except what we tell him. Poor Ava Beth, to graduate, go to proms, get married, all without her mother. It is too much. I can't conceive of the situations that will arise without their Mother to turn too.

Who will help me when I am old? She was going to. Now I have no one. I am never going to be called Mother, Mom, again. I know it is selfish of me to even think that way when the kids are going on without being able to call anyone mom. I can't help it. I hurt. I want my daughter. I am really having trouble accepting this. I wake and think it was all a nightmare. Then realize it was real, and the pain washes over me again.

Please, hold your children. Tell them you love them. Make lots of memories, take lots of pictures, and pray, pray hard, that you will never have to rely solely on them and not the warm loving arms of your child, no matter their age.

Have a Merry Christmas or whatever holiday you do choose to celebrate.

NO holiday spirit

I can't get into the spirit of the holidays this year. I know I have an excuse, but I still wanted to do something special for the kids. Don't think that's gonna happen.

The tree I ordered from Maine is still in the box and sitting by the back door. The new ornaments are in their box, and the gifts are in a pile unwrapped. To top it all off, my house looks like a bomb went off in it. DH brought my winter clothes down from the attic (finally) and dumped them out in the bedroom, I can't walk in there, however, the dogs love it and are dragging them into piles or around the house.

I think I need to give myself a pep talk, or more importantly to go meditate and see if I can ground and rejuvenate myself and get something done.

Blessings

I lost an arguement

DH and I survived Thanksgiving by doing something we hadn't done before, so there would be no memories connected with it.  Someday we will be ready to enjoy those memories, but now it is just too painful.

We loaded up Bertha (our 1980 something Chevy van) with all 5 grand kids and drove to Ohio. We stayed at a hotel with an indoor/outdoor pool which the kids loved. We were just a short drive from Bill's brother's place (which is why we went) and had an nontraditional meal with them Thanksgiving. I hate to admit it, but although they had lived there for around 10 years, that was our first (of many to come) visit there.

We even took the little ones to see Santa at the mall. Now I know most 2 year olds freeze up or cry when they see Santa in person, not ours. Rylan wouldn't leave! he babbled and babbled, finally Ava Beth, who is 5, grabbed his arm and pulled him away. While we were in line waiting for the picture that was taken, the kids behind us started talking about Santa, well Rylan whirled around quick as can be and informed them that his name was Ho Ho not Santa. Apparently now that Rylan and he are buds he can refer to him informally, and he has since.

It was the kids who got us through. We had planned on skipping Christmas. Ava Beth asked where my tree was.  I told her I wasn't having one this year. She informed me I was and where I was going to put it! OK, I gave up.  We will have a small tabletop tree. I can't bear going through our Christmas stuff as there are too many memories there, so we picked up some new ones, ones with no emotions or memories attached. We will celebrate the holiday the Sunday morning before Christmas with the kids. I will fix brunch as this is something I haven't done since the kids were born, then we will give them their gifts. I did all my shopping online this year, now to wrap.

Instead of traditional decorations, I got 3 large apothecary jars and an assortment of smaller glass jars, and filled them all with different candies in the colors of blue, silver and white, not colors I have used before and the same colors as the new ornaments. I think it looks kind of sweet (no pun intended).

Then DH and I are leaving and not coming back until the 20th. We want to be alone on this first Christmas without Jessika. This was her favorite time of year, and she and I tended to go overboard with our preparations and decorations. This is gonna be tough, really tough.

Thank you for the kind words and support.

Blessings