Each night I stare at the sky
the thousands of twinkling stars
and I imagine you there
dancing among the Moonbeams.

And the tears flow like rain
as I think of the time we were together
I am broken now, lost without you
But I know, the thing that will always connect us
are our Heartstrings

Sunday, December 18, 2011

It Almost Didn't Happen

I was rudely awoken this morning to yelling. An unusual sound in this house. I finally figured out that Bill was on the phone with Jon, it didn't sound good.

Silence.  Bill came in the bedroom and I was worried. He was red, beet red and shaking. There is a problem, he said, Jon is not bringing the little kids out. What the hell, come on, today was our Christmas for the grand kids. Bill was so upset I thought he would stroke out or have a heart attack. I finally got out of him what the problem was.

We had asked the boys dad to bring them out early. That way we could visit with them and they could help us get everything ready so when the Tasmanian devils arrived we could focus on them instead of trying to prepare brunch while visiting them. He took it the wrong way, thought we were playing favorites assumed the worst and went off half cocked.

As soon as I quit crying, I called him. I was able to get him to HEAR what I was saying and smooth things over. You see, Jon was raised by an alcoholic mother and step-dad. He learned to always assume the worst, don't trust anyone, get them before they get you. Very sad. As an adult he has not learned that we are all not that way. He is the father of 2 of my grandchildren, as such, I would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt him, nor would I the older threes dad. To cause them pain would cause my grand babies pain. It was done to me as a child, I will not allow that to happen to them. I hope someday, he will see we are always true to our word and will not hurt him.

So, finally they were all there. The first half hour or so was awkward, and I feared today would be a bust. With kids around, it is hard to stay upset, and soon we were all laughing at their antics. Jon's son by a previous marriage was also here.  We became quite attached to him since Jessika and his dad married. We treat him exactly like the 3 older boys, same type and number of gifts and everything. We even told him we want him to spend at least one night a month with us. We set it up with the older boys and their dad for them to spend every other weekend with us, and  Reagan can come with them when he wants. He seemed to like that. I didn't get anything set up with Jon concerning the two little ones. After the rough start I didn't want to push my luck.

My surprise today, my healing is beginning. I didn't miss Jessika today. That sounds harsh, I don't mean it to. I felt her today, all day. I just knew if I turned my head quick enough I would catch her standing behind me, her presence was that strong, and so comforting.

Tomorrow, the pain will most likely be back, as will the tears. But, this was a start. It reminded me that Jessika will always be with us, we might not see her, but we can feel her. Perhaps that is why I had so many memories thrown at me this week. Jessika was trying to tell me she was here. I love that, I love her and she has never been subtle. Right now I long to see her, but it is more like after she spent the day here and went home. It isn't the raging pain I have had. My heart is not aching quite so much tonight. I miss her, and wish I could have her back, erase the last year, especially for her children's sake. I can't, I have to accept and move on. I know someday I will be with her again.

I know she is with her siblings, all the babies I lost, and her two children, babies she lost. She is with her grandfather and her great grandparents who all doted on her. She is safe, she is well, she keeps in touch I just have to figure out what that is each time.

I am exhausted from the emotions of today, the rough start, wonderful middle, and then my realizations. I know I have a lot of bad days to go through yet. But, I feel, well I guess I feel Hope. That is something I haven't felt in a long time. I even laughed today, and it has been a very long time since I did that. I think I will just go to bed now so I can fall asleep with the feel of Jessika in the house. Very comforting, oh, and my battery operated candles with the dead batteries, they are still burning.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday, Season Greetings, and Blessings


  1. I had to stop working and read your blog, you've been on my mind since I read your sad blog. It does get better, you will heal. A month ago I heard my daughter laugh for the first time since the rape and I went into the bathroom and cried. That connection you have with Jessika will always be there, and look she was showing you that she's still around, that she love's you,and that it made her happy to see you with her babies.

  2. Hi hon, I thought I would just check in on you and see how your doing. I hope your off somewhere with your husband or maybe a good friend, take it easy on yourself and do whatever it takes to get through the Holidays.

    ps the first time I heard this song I was rushing to the hospital because my oldest daughter had to have emergency surgery, I still cant listen to it w/o crying.


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