Each night I stare at the sky
the thousands of twinkling stars
and I imagine you there
dancing among the Moonbeams.

And the tears flow like rain
as I think of the time we were together
I am broken now, lost without you
But I know, the thing that will always connect us
are our Heartstrings

Sunday, December 4, 2011

I lost an arguement

DH and I survived Thanksgiving by doing something we hadn't done before, so there would be no memories connected with it.  Someday we will be ready to enjoy those memories, but now it is just too painful.

We loaded up Bertha (our 1980 something Chevy van) with all 5 grand kids and drove to Ohio. We stayed at a hotel with an indoor/outdoor pool which the kids loved. We were just a short drive from Bill's brother's place (which is why we went) and had an nontraditional meal with them Thanksgiving. I hate to admit it, but although they had lived there for around 10 years, that was our first (of many to come) visit there.

We even took the little ones to see Santa at the mall. Now I know most 2 year olds freeze up or cry when they see Santa in person, not ours. Rylan wouldn't leave! he babbled and babbled, finally Ava Beth, who is 5, grabbed his arm and pulled him away. While we were in line waiting for the picture that was taken, the kids behind us started talking about Santa, well Rylan whirled around quick as can be and informed them that his name was Ho Ho not Santa. Apparently now that Rylan and he are buds he can refer to him informally, and he has since.

It was the kids who got us through. We had planned on skipping Christmas. Ava Beth asked where my tree was.  I told her I wasn't having one this year. She informed me I was and where I was going to put it! OK, I gave up.  We will have a small tabletop tree. I can't bear going through our Christmas stuff as there are too many memories there, so we picked up some new ones, ones with no emotions or memories attached. We will celebrate the holiday the Sunday morning before Christmas with the kids. I will fix brunch as this is something I haven't done since the kids were born, then we will give them their gifts. I did all my shopping online this year, now to wrap.

Instead of traditional decorations, I got 3 large apothecary jars and an assortment of smaller glass jars, and filled them all with different candies in the colors of blue, silver and white, not colors I have used before and the same colors as the new ornaments. I think it looks kind of sweet (no pun intended).

Then DH and I are leaving and not coming back until the 20th. We want to be alone on this first Christmas without Jessika. This was her favorite time of year, and she and I tended to go overboard with our preparations and decorations. This is gonna be tough, really tough.

Thank you for the kind words and support.



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