It has be en a while since I was here. I would like to blame it on my laptop that died, or the disruption in our Internet service, but the truth is, the darkness kept me away.
I keep thinking things will be easier, that I won't hurt so much, or miss Jessika so much. It's not. Life is still hard and the pain is still there.
I think this causes some, if not all of the darkness. Some days it envelopes me, it is so dark and heavy I can't breath. I can't leave the house, I don't want to be around people (with the exception of close friends and some family). I am afraid I am becoming agoraphobic. If the pain would leave, maybe the darkness would also.
I am trying to learn to live without Jessika, I am trying to learn to live with the constant heart ache. I am not there yet.
Jon, Jessika's husband, has begun dating. The kids know and have met her. This hurts so much. Jessika has only been gone 4 months. He packed up her stuff last week with the help of some of his friends. I was not included, strangers were handling Jessika's things, her close, her lingerie. All stabs to my heart. How are the little ones going to feel if it doesn't work out with this girl? I know how I felt when I was young and my mom had dates over, we got attached, then when they were gone we wondered what was wrong with us. I don't want the kids to go through that. But I have no say.
It kills me that another woman will be caring for them, staying in the house that Jessika and I decorated, a house that screams of Jessika. I asked him not to introduce her to the kids unless he was sure she was the one. He said he wouldn't, he lied.
I have a feeling that his girlfriend time is going to interfere with my time with the kids. Will have to wait and see on that one.
In the meantime, I will continue to fight my way out of the darkness. When I have the kids here, the light comes through and I have hope. Then they leave and the darkness comes back.
I have to wonder if this is how life will be from now on.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Posted by Deb at 10:18 PM
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