I am not saying I am not happy, with the exception of Jessika, I am fairly happy. I can have fun, Bill and I just had our best vacation ever. Life, however, is not perfect. We have had one catastrophe after another, the worst, of course, being losing Jessika.
I am scarred. I am not the person I was 2 years ago. I hurt. I can have a good time, but still carry the pain of losing Jess. I can smile through my tears. I will, however, no longer hide those tears. If they are there, I am going to let them flow. This is me, who I am, a grieving parent. The pain will never go away, I will have it every minute of every day of my life. I can still have a life, I can still have fun, form new memories, enjoy family. I will never again "fake it". I will be my true self, the real me, whomever she may be at that moment in time.
Bill and I wanted to do something personal to honor Jessika. While on vacation we got tattoos. Ones we had thought long and hard about. They mean something to us. Bill's is pretty self-explanatory. Mine has hidden meanings. The Halloween before Jess got sick we all went out, in costume, to party the night away. Jessika dressed as the Amy Brown fairy, The Brat. This fairy wore a red strapless dress with over the elbow red and white striped gloves and matching hose. I chose to remember this fun night. When Jess was young, she compared us to the sun and moon. I had golden hair and wore gold jewelry, she had white blond hair and wore silver jewelry. I chose to add a moon for her. A crescent moon open to the left signifies loss or remembrance, so it is open to the left. I added 5 stars for her kids, 4 blue (boys) and one pink. Eventually I will have the sun on my left shoulder redone to go better with the moon.
I am prepared for this next month to be especially difficult as we approach the first anniversary of her loss. In some ways, it feels like it happened yesterday, in others it feels like the pain has been there for years.