Drained

I am drained. I feel like I barely have the energy to breath.

Tuesday was harder than I was prepared for. Some of Jessika's friends joined us to lay flowers. We told stories of a young Jessika. We laughed. We cried. I came home and went to bed.

I slept all day Wednesday, getting up for meals, potty breaks and a quick check of FB. Thursday was the same. I am trying to wake up now, the little ones will be here in four hours. I would call off, but he would hold it against me and make it difficult to get kids in the future. I do see take out pizza for supper.

Bill has never believed in a "date". Meaning no birthday, anniversary, valentine, etc. presents. He does his own thing on his schedule. Which is ok. But he is having trouble understanding why I am hurting so much. It was just a day to him. Not to me. It brought back up all the hurt, pain, sadness, feelings for me. It will take a while for me to work thru these emotions again. Not that they will ever go away, but I will be able to tuck them away again It will be a bit though.

It has been rainy all week. Fits my mood. We get zero rain all summer, lost all the crops. We need to be planting wheat now for harvest next summer. We can't. It is to wet.

Hug your kids, tell your loved ones how you feel. Don't wait another day, hour or minute. You never know.

Blessings