No Words

There are no words to describe how I am feeling. My heart feels like it has been ripped from my body, tears flow freely, I feel like the pain is going to suffocate me.

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of losing my daughter. I don't want it to be. I can't sleep. I don't want to wake up and this last year has been real. If I stay awake I can pretend everything is normal. That Jessika will soon be here.

My brain knows this isn't true, but my heart wants to believe it.

Bill is knocking off tomorrow to stay with me. The older kids will be out after school. We will then take flowers to Jessika. Pink roses. We always sent her pink roses. When she was born, Bill brought me 3 pink roses. Pink for a girl, 3 because she was born on the 3rd day of the 3rd month, roses because it is my favorite flower. Tomorrow we will take her pink roses.

Bill is going to try and go. He has never been there. He can't even drive down the road where she is, he take a route a couple miles out of the way when he needs to pass there. His tattoo is his first acknowledgement that she is gone. I hope he can go. I need him too.

I want to hang pictures of Jess, to talk about her. He has not been ready for that. I hate it. To look at my house there are no signs she was ever here. I need those pictures. I need those memories. I need to make sure the kids never forget her, that they  know her.

Please, please in her memory, hug your loved ones, tell them what they mean to you. I pray you never have to feel this pain.