Well, we survived the holidays, but that is about it, survival. We went to Las Vegas to forget for a little while, but that didn't happen. I actually found myself in a cute little shop with a dress in my hand that I knew Jessika would love, then I remembered. I wonder how long it will be before I quit shopping for her. I confess, I still call her voicemail several times a week just to hear her voice. I miss it. I have missed it for a very long time. She was on the vent for so many months where we had to lip read, when they started weaning her from the vent, her very first words in a hoarse, gruff, gravely voice were "I love you Mom". I will never forget those words, even if the voice was not the one I remembered.
Bill heard a song on the radio, Material Girl by Madonna. Jessika won a lip sync contest with some of her friends to this song. He finally broke down, big time.
We can't escape the memories, but neither of us is strong enough to deal with them yet. I feel like part of me is gone, my heart hurts. Tears flow like rain in April around here.
We did have one very heartwarming event. Bill and I arrived at St Louis airport at 4:00 am on the 21st. We expected the airport to be fairly empty except for a few like us with early flights. We were wrong. It was a full blown party going on. There were soldiers everywhere, many headed home from boot camp but many many more home from Iraq and waiting on flights to take them to their families. There was one soldier at a piano playing Christmas carols, many soldiers and just plain ole folks like us singing along. Several groups were handing out cookies and coffee to everyone there. I was in my wheelchair (can not do long distance walking) and I have a tendency to way over pack (and we took our Christmas gifts to exchange), so as soon as they saw us a bunch of the guys came over and grabbed our luggage and took it to the counter for us, also since their flights were later in the morning they moved us up to the front of the line. They were wonderful and we really enjoyed our time with them. I have always been proud of all our troops, after all my brother was a Marine, but this was just icing on the cake. Where ever you all may be now, know you made a very sad couple happy for a while. It also reminded us we are not the only parents who will never have Christmas, or any holiday, with their child again.
We went out to dinner for Christmas Eve, to MIX. There was a special Chef's Tasting Menu for the holiday and we decided to try it. First course was a scallop mousse with broccoli gelee, it was OK, glad I tried it but wont order it again. Second was pressed chicken layered with foir gras, served with black truffles and artichoke salad, the truffles were delicious, the rest not bad. Third, a cabbage leaf stuffed with veggies and rolled, topped with a poached lobster tail out of the shell, mmmmmmm, too good. Fourth, (I was really worried about this one as it was served rare) roast venison and grilled veggies. The venison was perfect, the outside was caramelized so there was never a raw taste. If I could cook it like this I would make Bill start hunting again. Fifth, was a glass of fresh made eggnog. This tasted nothing at all like the crap in a carton. It was so light and fluffy and yummy. Sixth was a mini Yule log (One for each of us, but we shared and took the other back to the room) surrounded by merange mushroom and shaved chocolate. Then just when we thought we couldn't eat another bite, the Chef sent out freshly made Madeline's for everyone, served with a dark chocolate dipping sauce. We made it back to the room and crashed.
I had ordered a small (really small) Christmas tree from 1-800-Flowers, so we put it in the living room of the hotel room and put our gifts around it. We spent Christmas in the room with room service, opened our gifts and let the tears flow.
I am not sure why I did it, but I went to a high end salon on Monday, got my hair cut (love it) and got it colored very dark. I went from strawberry blond with gray highlights (snicker) to dark brown with red highlights. I think I like it, but wish it was lighter. At least it is different.
Hope your holiday was filled with love, laughter and light.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Posted by Deb at 3:28 PM
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