Once again sleep eludes me. The insomnia isn't as bad as in the past, but still bothersome. I was going anywhere from 36 to 50 hours without sleep. Not good. I finally saw the doctor. She started me on Elavil. It is an antidepressant, but also used for fibromyalgia and insomnia. Bingo, all 3 belong to me. It doesn't help me fall asleep, however once I do fall asleep I sleep hard for about 10 hours. I have also noticed less fibro pain and my husband says my mood is better. Maybe sleep will come soon.
When I closed my eyes all I could see was Jessika's limp, lifeless body. Her beautiful eyes were open but vacant. Part of me hates that I saw her like that, that this is the image of her my mind goes to. The other part of me is so grateful I could be with her. I held her as she took her first breaths into the world, I suppose it is only right I should be there as she took her last.
I don't want that image in my head any longer. I want to remember healthy happy Jessika. My beautiful child, she was so precious to me. She had her own demons, and sometimes that interfered with our relationship. But I challenge anyone to find a closer Mother and Daughter.
She often came home from school lacking her hat or scarf or quite ofter her gloves. When questioned she would admit she had given them to someone who didn't have any. She always championed the under dog, the person who was the most lonely. I was quite proud of her for this. Now I am seeing these same traits in her oldest son, it warms my broken heart.
I have been contacted by several people who have lost a child. It means so much to me to hear from them. My loss is a little different, but I can still relate to what they are saying. Many of them have other children, or don't have grandchildren whose visitations have dwindled to on occasion instead of several times a week.
I have not been able to locate a support group yet, if I don't find one soon, I may start one. I would like to do something in Jessika's memory, but haven't been able to concentrate long enough to get a game plan. If anyone has ideas, please share.
My 4 legged fur babies need out, my eyelids are getting heavy. Maybe now dreamless sleep will come.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Posted by Deb at 12:47 AM
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