Ramblings . . . .

It's 4:00 AM and here I sit, wide awake, not even a yawn. Giz is sleeping at my feet, Pete is snoring away beside the bed, and so is Bill. Think I will just go to the living room.

I am having problems with my emotions. If I have fun or don't think of Jess for a couple of hours, I feel overwhelming guilt. I lost my daughter, why am I having fun? I have not been in public here in town except for one trip to the store. I usually make a list and Bill goes. Guys don't usually stop each other in the store to visit I guess like women do. When I do think about Jess, then I feel the loss, and the pain gets bad and the tears flow. I just can't balance my feelings yet.

Her and Rylan's birthday is approaching, March 3rd. I can't skip the day, that isn't fair to Rylan and these kids have lost so much already, I feel I have to do something for him. Maybe I won't fix the big family dinner like I used to, maybe I will just do cake and ice cream in the afternoon for him, the kids, Jon and Bill's folks. Rylan has requested pirate cupcakes. Not sure how I'm gonna do that, but I will figure something out. I just don't want to sit and cry all day because I miss her.

We now have it arranged that we will have all the kids every other weekend starting the approaching Friday. It will be a houseful as I have a really really small house. But we will get by. Rylan wants tuptakes next weekend. Ava wants to practise for the tea party she is having with 3 friends in February (not sure how we will be practising that). The boys have various activities throughout the weekend, so we will be doing some running, I say we but it will be Bill.

I am just hoping my back is better by then. It is really hurting now. I may have overdone earlier. Not sure how long it takes a herniated disk to heal.

Jon and all the kids were here for supper. It was a very pleasant evening, but I missed Jessika. I made Austrian Goulash (I think of it as beef stew with bay leaves), it is a recipe that Bill's grandpa taught his mother, and she me. He, grandpa, came over from Austria as a young man, a teenager I believe. It is a favorite of Bill's. Also drug out the bread machine and made a loaf of bread. Dessert was cake from Wallyworld. So everyone ate good, the amount Rase eats never fails to amaze me.

Well as usual the mutts need out, so I will go for now.

Blessings